Associated press confirms that the Matriculator is not John Galt.


photo-who-is-the-matriculator.JPG  Purveyor of a 56 yard game winning touchdown catch against the Miramar Vikings in 1979.  Who, o who, can he be?


(The Matriculator captured scouting the Dolphins in 1978 in one of the only two photos known to exist.  Please note the Captain America shirt.  Yeah baby.)

  Excerpt from article in the The Spurting News:

            There is a little country lawyer from Fayetteville, Georgia who has recently gained significant notoriety.  I can’t give you his real name as the client who has brought him this notoriety has not only requested, but demanded, anonymity.  The lawyer, Dr. Gonzo, (which is not his real name) has been retained to represent The Matriculator, a mysterious figure who is taking the sports world by storm.  The Matriculator is the man behind the mask, the Wizard hiding behind the curtain. How did our local lawyer become the representative of one the most famous and enigmatic figures in American history?  The Spurting News was fortunate enough to get an interview with the protector of The Matriculator’s identity.  The following are the highlights of that interview.

            So what can you tell us about your famous client?

            Well, I represent him. I really don’t know that much about him.  He’s that private.  He’s from Texico I think.  He eats chalupas and has a Russian girlfriend.  Let me tell you she’s something else.  He’s probably 50, but he looks like he’s about 80.  Anna is like 22, maybe.

            Can you tell us who he is?  I know that’s a silly question, but I have to ask?

            Well I can tell you who he’s not.  He’s not Kaiser Soze. I don't think he is anyway. He’s not Ernest Hemingway or Hunter S. Thompson, that’s for sure.

            What do you think about his website,

            I’ve checked it once or twice.  It’s pretty weak really.  I mean I think it’s for fantasy football and the NFL Draft.  Are you kidding me?  Do adults really play “fantasy” football?  I guess they play Dungeons and Dragons when the NFL is in the offseason.   Seriously.  What a bunch of tools.   I remember those guys when I was in college. They were on the debate team.  Or chess club.   Really, E Harmony and Cialis should advertise on his site.   “I can only get a woodrow when my fantasy team’s winning.  For all other times, I use Cialis.  And in the offseason….”  For crying out loud, I thought when I graduated from Hood Elementary I was done with this crap.

            It almost seems you don’t like The Matriculator.

            I love the guy.  He pays me $200,000 a year to be an intermediary.

            Really.  That much?

             I heard that he won 16 fantasy baseball championships in 20 years.  Is that true?

            Yeah.  He was the greatest fantasy baseball player of all time.  No doubt about it.  He also snuck onto the field after the Braves won the World Series. Got some video of that. Click here

            Really, there's video of him on the field?

            Oh yeah, doing interviews.  All kinds of stuff.  Like that movie about that guy that was always impersonating doctors and pilots.  What was that called?

            Catch me if you can?

            Yeah, that's him.  A few years later he snuck into the Superbowl.  Rams versus Titans.  Went right in through the Event Performer's door.

             Not really?

             Really.  He's a nut.  Exposed all of the biggest stories in baseball too.

             In what way?

             Who do you think first exposed Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte?

             The Mitchell Report?

              No, the Matriculator.  He wrote a book years before the Mitchell report exposing both of them and called Roger Clemens a meglomaniac and a liar.  Exposed the first admitted steroid user in baseball, Mickey Mantle.

              Really?  He wrote a book.  Are you sure it was out before the Mitchell report?

             Oh yeah.  He used a statistical formula and figured it out. It's at Barnes and Noble.  You could get it if you knew his name.  But you don't, so you can't.

            I find this all a little far fetched, but you are his attorney so we understand there may be some hyperbole.  Moving on, was there anything from your educational experience in Fayette County that helped prepare you to represent such a powerful and difficult client?

            Coach Bryant had a bigger ego than The Matriculator. 

            I’m not familiar with him.

            That’s because he didn’t know what he was doing.

            I thought you said he had a big ego.

            He did.  You don’t have to know what you’re doing to have a big ego.

            I must say that after interviewing Dr. Gonzo, I am no closer to finding the Holy Grail or The Matriculator.  He has certainly earned his money. I have checked several blogs that speculate as to his identity.  One pundit guessed he was DB Cooper.  Someone thought he was Elvis.  Someone even guessed he was Tort Elvis from Dred Zepplin.   Eddie from Eddie and the Cruisers.  And yes, even the Loch Ness Monster reared his bald head.  A guy from Mexico guessed Chupacabra.  I can confirm that he is not John Galt, but then who is?  In the end, I don’t care who he is.  He helps me win my fantasy league and that’s all that matters.