What if Phoenix and the Ice Man had a kid together?

A Lot of What Ifs, What Fors and What Have Yous


              You play your Tarot cards properly and you win your league. Leagues like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The League of Experts and the League of Jasons. Fantasy is a game of what ifs. What if Dalvin Cook hadn’t  been injured last year?  He’s goes for 1,500 combined and 12 TDs and he’s the second pick in the fantasy draft in 2018.  Now he’s healthy, so do you take him at 2 or 10?  A woman or a hen?  There’s more to the what ifs than just if, though. There’s the what fors. And definitely don’t sleep on the what have yous.  They’ll sneak up you at night and devour you like a bad Stephen King novel.  Or any Stephen King novel for that matter.  So what is all this Suessian logic and Lebowski quoting for?  Splain it to us, kind sir.   Well here’s the splainin I got to do.

            Todd Gurley is coming off of a historically good year.  What if that’s the best year of his career?  And what if he realizes that he’s got so much dough he can build the Todd Mahal?  And what if he’s got a twinge in year one of his mega contract and he can choose to play or not to play?  That is the question. 2018 could be a return to his previous life as a solid late first/early second rounder.  What if Zeke Elliot hadn’t been suspended for part of 2017?  His numbers would have been about like Gurley’s.  Zeke is entering year three, he’s fit and going to be the workhorse behind a great offensive line.  Hence we are the only site that would take Zeke over Gurley in 2018.  That’s the what fors.

            What if Wally Pipp gets injured?  Who will replace him and more importantly, who will be the next Lou Gehrig?  You need to know the answer to both questions because there are a lot of back-ups who probably would not be startable even if the guy in front of them goes down.  Who are the players that are one starting player away from becoming  high-end fantasy starters?  There probably aren’t as many as you think because most guys are back-ups for a reason.  What if Demaryius Thomas goes down?  Courtland Sutton has been drawing rave reviews as a younger version of Demaryius Thomas.  A WR2 who you drafted late?  Shaka Laka.   If Carlos Hyde goes down, look for Nick Chubb to become an instant star.  What have you if you took Chubb in the 8th round?  Fantasy gold.  Devonta Freeman has lots of miles on the tires the past few years.  He goes down and you get Tevin Coleman filling in during a contract year?  Squirrel!  Kenyon Drake has never handled a big work load.  If he breaks down and you have Hall of Famer Frank Gore in his swan song in the old hood?  Swanky. What if Marshawn Lynch gets 250 carries and the Raiders bounce back from their 2017 blip?  He’s gon get his more than he gonna get got.  If Christian McAffrey can’t handle the pounding behind a thin o-line, might C.J. Anderson develop into a solid RB2? What say you?  Remember Alvin Kamara didn’t run much in college and only averaged 12 touches per game last year?  He’s carrying the load the first few weeks with Mark Ingram out with a suspension.  If he goes down and Ingram is back without competition, Ingram’s an RB1.  What’s the most you’ve ever risked on a coin flip, friendo?   Demarco Murray, he gone. What if Derrick Henry gets 25 carries a game behind the Titans studly o-line?  12 TDs?  Just sayin’.  What if Bill Belicheat were to screw every owner that doesn’t draft Sony Michel by giving him 250 carries?  Belicheat is a douche either way.  Alex Smith loves him some tight end.  What if Jordan Reed plays 14 games?  What if Kerryon Johnson looks like he did week one of the pre-season, which is the same way he looked rolling through the SEC?  What ifs, what ifs, let’s play that.  Keep your eye on that Bengal cat.


            Ronald Jones sucks in the passing game, and what have you.  Tyrell Williams is the number two receiver in a potent passing attack that lost its star tight end and has an injury prone WR1, and what have you.  Jameis Winston is a loser, and what have you.  (Did I just draft him in the 7th round?  What the #$@!  Why I am most surely under the influence of a mind-altering substanceOne that would make me fondle an UBER driver.  Or was it a Lyft?  I obviously misunderstood her connotation when she told me to $#@! Off, and what have you.)  There’s a thing called throwing good money after bad, also known as Ryan Tannehill, and what have you.  Dede Westbrook has the first name closest to Dude Lebowski, whilst Rob Gronkowski has the closest surname, and what have you.  You know what they say closest only counts in.  You get my point, I can only assume.  Nobody has a name similar to Jackie Treehorn, and what have you.  That ESPN guy calls his fake news fantasy draft primer the Draft Manifesto, which I can only assume is a pun on Joey Buttafuco.  Throwcahontas is one of the NFL’s most accurate passers and Larry Fitzgerald is one of the greatest route runner/hands guys to ever grace the Milky Way, and what have you.  When Julian Edelman returns after four games from his cheating suspension he’s a borderline WR1, and what have you.  In 2017 before he got hurt Deshaun Watson was on pace to break every fantasy scoring record by a large margin.  But he got hurt, and what have you.  Ryan Grant looks like the Colts number two receiver.  Andrew Luck is back, T.Y. Hilton weighs 175 pounds, and what have you.  The Broncos defense boasts Bradley Chubb and Von Miller, and Isaiah McKenzie will have at least two return touchdowns, and what have you.  Packers running backs don’t generally produce in fantasy, and what have you.  In two years Jordan Howard has 2,800 combined yards, 52 receptions, 16 TDs and what have you.

            Wherefore is the mistake by the lake?  Why it’s Cleveland!  Baker Mayfield, wherefore art thou?  Why I’m with Flash Gordon sir.  And the Duke of New York.  And Mr. Hyde, but not Dr. Jekyl.  And St. Nick and the Joker and Juice. They’re all here. Please watch us win it all, and know that the end is near.