Man is something that shall be overcome.  Frederick Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Thus Spoke Incognito

WARNING: Please be advised that NFL locker room jargon was used in the production of this piece.  We do not condone this type of behavior or language outside of NFL locker rooms, but damn we’d love to hang out with these guys.

            It seems that when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.  Well we’ve had some Hall of Fame weirdos emerge this week. Richie Incognito made the All-Millennium team.  I must admit that when I first heard the report that 315 pound lineman Jonathan Martin stormed out of the cafeteria after some Miami Dolphins players walked away from his table in the lunchroom, I thought, what a puss.  In fact, I thought I wanted to take a shit in his freaking mouth and slap him in the freaking mouth, the damn half-n******.  I mean isn't that what everyone thought?  And he threw his tray onto the ground too, the little freakwad.  That made me want to drop some high school cafeteria meatloaf surprise down his throat right before I slit it.  Surely his mother told him that there are starving children in Cambodia.

            Richie Incognito is a walking dichotomy.  He’s a big, testosterone infused coil of cognitive dissonance. Here is the biggest, scariest looking dude you will ever see.  He’s the kind of guy that makes 6’6", 315 pound NFL lineman wet their pants.  And his name is Richie.  The dorkiest name a grown ass man could have, with all apologies to the three living adults who still refer to themselves as Richie as opposed to Rich, or Dick. Dick somehow seems more appropriate here. Richie Cunningham and Richie Rich are the only Richie’s I know.  And then there’s Lionel Ritchie who is famous for songs like, Say You, Say Shit in My Mouth and I Hear Your Voice Calling Me a Half-N*****.   Richie's last name is Incognito, which is an adverb meaning "to disguise oneself." Richie never disguised himself except for that one time he dressed up as Little Orphan Annie for Halloween. He’s about as un-incognito as they come. 

            Though Incognito isn't particularly intelligent, he'll have one more word in the 2014 version of Webster's Dictionary than me.  The word incognito now has an alternate meaning.  It's a verb with the following definition: being an asshole to someone and thinking it's okay because you like them.  Hey honey, I'd like to put a freaking ice pick through your eye and then let Fido lick the blood off. Have you paid the mortgage yet, by the way?  That bitch just got incognitoed! There is a sublime difference between being incognitoed and, for example, being insulted or "bitched at" or bullied.  The insulting party must think that it's funny, or at least acceptable, for it to be incognitable.  It's like when they say it's not an invasion of privacy as long as one of the parties is aware of the audiotaping.  Well the one taping the conversation obviously knows they're taping, so it's okay. I think they should adopt that rule for theft also.  As long as one party approves of the theft, it's okay.  We can call that theftcognitoing or incogstealing.

            Incognito allegedly called Jonathan Martin a p**** and a q****.   We’re not sure whether q**** was meant to be queer or queen, though for purposes of being incognitoed it doesn’t really matter.   Now the p**** is a little more difficult.  In context it would seem that he called him a pussy, but not the cat version.  He might have meant to call him a paddy, which is an insulting term to an Irishman. We aren’t sure whether Martin has Irish ancestors or not.  Incognito also apparently bullied Martin by referring to him as a “half-n*****”, so the p**** could have referred to “pinky” which is technically not the correct word.  It could have been “pinkish”, but there aren't enough ******'s in pinkish and Incognito’s vocabulary is limited to mostly terms that you would hear in prison, so he can’t be faulted for not knowing the word pinkish. 

            Big Moe, our most sensitive scout and Dolphins fan, speculated that Martin is gay.  "He's from Stanford, like that gay NBA guy." We vehemently disagreed with our crack scout.  Martin's possibly bi with a foot fetish, but to just jump on the gay train and start hammering away is a bit presumptuous. The whole controversy has really divided the Dolphins’ locker room and NFL players in general. The Pac-10 types have come down in favor of their Stanford brethren.  Reggie Bush is of course on Martin's side.  California you know.  Brandon Marshall is from UCF so he came down on the side of Martin being a pinky...I mean a pussy.  The tosser that both guys were under contract to protect, Ryan Tannehill, said he was shocked by the whole thing, pontificating that Incognito treated Martin like a brother.  Again, this should have been obvious.  My brother was always incognitoing me with stuff like, I'm fixin’ to caca in your pie hole you half-Cuban maricon.  It wasn't everyday that we had those Hallmark moments, but it happened.  In fact, I distinctly remember drawing a turd on my brother’s mouth in his 8th grade yearbook, which wasn’t quite as cool as when a guy decided it would be a good idea to drop a chocolate hot dog in the urinal at Southpark.  Such a senseless crime really. Tannehill was sort of middle of the road on the issue because he’s from Texas which is right in the middle of the United States, at least from an east-west sort of perspective.  Word on the street is that there are only two things in Texas, steers and queers, and Tannehill doesn't look like a steer if you know what I mean.

            A number of players, including black players who played for the Dolphins, have indicated that Incognito is an "honorary black man."  Is that like an accidental tourist?  And who is higher on the totem pole an honorary black man or a half-n*****. Is he Incognegro or Incogni****?  It's all so very confusing. 

            There has been more De doo doo doo, de da da da about Incognito’s conduct towards Jonathan Martin this week than there has been about Peyton Manning’s upcoming tampon ad, but several riddles remain. If you take a shit in someone’s freaking mouth and then slap them in the freaking mouth, aren’t you going to get your own freaking shit on you?  Don't shit where you eat or at least don’t get it on your new Polo for Bog's sake. Nobody has really focused on the absurdity of that.  And of course the ultimate riddle from this mess hangs over the situation like an albatross:  Why is a Dolphin like a writing desk?  You can choose whichever answer suits your fancy (or better yet, send your answer to the Matriculator), but here are the obvious answers: 1.  Because the Matriculator wrote on both of them  2.  Because they are both mammals, except for the writing desk  3. Because they both have greater capacity for abstract thought than your average NFL player.

Thus spoke Incognito.