Brady allegedly cheated on Gisele with Jason Taylor, or at least a Jason Taylor blow-up doll. 

The Patriot Act: Odious to Super Bowl 49


          America is filled with patriots.  American flags abound as does talk of supporting the troops, and other countries being jealous of our freedom and such non-sense.  Ask any person on the street if they are a patriot and you will likely be given the stink eye.  Of course I’m a patriot, aren’t you?  No, I’m not actually and I do not think that word means what you think it means.  Not only do I vigorously defend myself against any charge of patriotism, I would be offended if ever accused of it.  I choose not to admit to being an imbecile too, but I don’t fault people who do.  Honesty is important.

          A patriot is a person who “vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against detractors”.  I don’t necessarily vigorously support my country.  If we do right I applaud and support, but if we do wrong I’m not going to support us.  In fact, I vigorously detract from my country when it does wrong.  That is not only the right of every American, it seems to me their duty. It is a duty most Americans have succeeded quite spectacularly in breaching.  Before you again issue the statement that you are a patriot, ponder your brothers in patriotism.  The Nazi Party had millions of patriots.  The Japanese in World War II, who killed everyone in their path including themselves to honor their country and Emperor, were far bigger patriots than any American I’ve ever met.  The Iraqi’s, the good old Rooskies, the supporters of Caligula and Mao Tse-tung.  If you’re a patriot, you’re one of them.  Congratulations…I guess.

          I have heard something over and over again on talk radio this week.  “If it was my team going to the Super Bowl I wouldn’t care if we were…umm, taking some liberties.”  If it’s your team you’re taking some liberties but if it’s another team they're cheating.  If they are fighting for freedoms for your country they are freedom fighters, if they’re fighting for freedom against your country they’re terrorists.  It’s the same logic as patriotism, which is a misnomer because patriotism and logic are mutually exclusive.  They are oxymorons and good old morons to boot.

          The New England Patriots, ironically enough, use patriot logic.  “If it’s good for us, that’s cool.  We don’t really recognize anybody else.  If we cheat to win we don’t have a problem with it.” The problem, and it’s a particularly American problem, is that most people only have a problem with cheating if it’s not their team doing it.  It’s the moral fiber of America, or lack thereof, that has been called into question.  And the question wasn’t answered appropriately by at least some people.  We don’t care about integrity.  Just win baby.  The problem is you don’t win.  You might collect the money or have a larger number under your team's name at the end of the game, but you haven’t won.  The nature of sport is…well sport.  And competition.  When teams break the rules to gain a competitive advantage, and we’re not talking about in-game penalties like holding, it’s not a sport. 

          I have friends who tell grandiose hunting stories as they sit under the head of some giant ungulate mammal.  “Wow,” I said the first time, “How did you track that guy in his own habitat?” The glass eyes stared haltingly at me. 

          “Well he was at a deer feeder.”

          “What’s that, some type of tracking protocol.   Did this involve climbing a large oak and peeing in a bottle for three days?” 

          “No, we sat in a deer stand with a beer until that monster walked up to get some of that fresh corn our deer feeder spits out every hour.  Blasted him into next week I did.”  Needless to say you can imagine the shock and disappointment when the hunter learned that I wasn’t at all impressed.  I had the misfortune to explain to him that his endeavors were not, under any definition, sporting. 

          “You’re a regular Daniel Boone. There is arguably more sport involved in buying some choice cuts at the grocery store where you are required to inspect the meat thoroughly before harvesting it.”  I think the fact that he paid a few thousand quid for the “hunting experience” was what really had him down in the dumps.

          We’ve covered thousands of Super Bowls in our time here at  Matriculator Headquarters and we’ve known the outcome of every one before it occurred.  We’ve correctly predicted every game.  But this one is the true lead pipe cinch.  The Eye of Horus.  The-bet all of your savings, your mother’s savings and your mother’s, mother’s mother’s savings-bet.  It’s a no lose.  For the Patriots it’s actually a lose-lose.  They can’t win.  The fact that their fans will try to act like a boss if the score at the end of game demonstrates a higher number under their name than the Seahawks is a piteous aside.  It’s the bully beating his chest because he’s scared and insecure and trying to convince everyone that he's not a closet bed-wetter. 

          The Partiots have made a textbook example of the Faustian bargain.  There is one school of thought that when a person gets to hell they will be tormented in the very way that they tormented others.  So Hitler gets the gas bath, dies, wakens moments later, fully alive again, and then is left to starve, rises again from the dead so Dr. Mengele can check his intestinal fortitude, ad infinitum, ad dominum.  Well what Belicheat desired more than anything was to be revered as a great coach.  A genius at the art of football.  Because of his, and his organization's, dishonesty he will be tormented by it. It’s just who Belicheat is. For the rest of his life he will be greeted by fans chanting standards like, “Belicheat, the little brute, has just gone down the garbage chute. And as we very rightly thought, that in a case like this we ought, to see the thing completely through, we’ve tossed out his tosser too”. Actually the things people say won’t be nearly as refined as an Oompa Loompa jingle.  Any time there is a discussion about the Hall of Fame or his legacy the first words out of anyone’s mouth will be that he cheated.  There will be a significant and very boisterous group (probably a majority of pundicators) who will opine that he should not be in the Hall of Fame.  Can you imagine that?  Knowing Belicheat he’d probably already written his acceptance speech.

           Belicheat and his minions have affected the fabric of the game the way Pete Rose and Barry Bonds effected Major League Baseball. Nobody can even make the argument that Belicheat was a good coach, much less a great coach, unless they think getting away with cheating is somehow the measure of a coaching ability.   It’s the way Joe Paterno went out, exactly the way he should have.  Paterno chose football over the lives of youth, and not just any youth, the youth most in need of a human being with a backbone. JoPa did not have one.  His last thoughts were pondering what an abject failure and fraud his entire life was and the knowledge that he couldn’t cover it up like he had done for decades.  That’s the way it’s supposed to be.  That’s what happens when you make that deal. 

          Silly Patriots fans argue meaningless points like the fact that they would have beaten the Colts anyway.  Like their idols, they don’t get it.  The fact that they tried to cheat the system is all that matters.  The Patriots never would have been in the AFC Championship game had they not cheated in the Ravens game.  Yes, therein lies the problem.  There is now a presumption that the Patriots have been doing this for years.  There has to be.  The fans will never again be able to claim a championship.  When they even attempt it they will be laughed at.  We think in the end the punishment from the NFL may be much harsher than people expect, particularly with the Ray Rice/Adrian Peterson fiascos and the Dallas Party Bus Miracle. 

          So our prediction for Super Bowl 49 is that the Patriots will lose. It’s already happened so we’re not really going out on a limb here.  For those who want to know what the numbers under each team will be, we’ll go with Seahawks 27- Patriots 13.  It’s difficult to throw regulation size balls with small hands.  And you know what they say about small hands….


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