They call me Sweetness and I like to dance.  Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.

Super Bollock: ESPN Gives Its Super Bowl 54 Lock

            ESPN has compiled what is considered by most, many, someone at ESPN to be the greatest team of statisticians.  They call themselves ESPN Stats and Information Team. We call them ESPN’s Crack Team.  The statistical minds on the Crack Team are an impressive compilation from the greatest educational institutions America has to offer like Cal Poly Tech, and probably MIT and Blinn Community College to boot. After years of watching Goodwill Hunting, the staff created a formula called QBR.  As we have detailed in previous Matriculator offerings, they use complex statistical categories like average weighted throw, value added by rushing, and other categories conceived of by people who scored really high on the SAT but still live with their mama.  Their Crack Formulas are proprietary, meaning they can’t (or won’t) tell you how they calculate each category.   But we recently read the book Enigma about how this brilliant British mathematician cracked the German code in WWII.  It helped us in cracking ESPN’s Crack Formula, so now we can tell you which team will, definitively, win Super Bowl 54.  We don’t call it a guarantee like ‘ol Broadway Joe, or even a Super Bowl lock.  We call it Super Bollock. 

            There are a lot of categories ESPN’s Crack Team uses that might confuse the average football fan.  They are statistical geniuses so that’s not surprising. ESPN uses the acronym FDOT.  Now they won’t tell you what the acronym stands for since their formula is proprietary, so we have to do some high level cyperin’ like that Davinci Code dude. FDOT must stand for the Florida Department of Transportation.  That’s the first clue anyway.  There are three teams in Florida: the Buccaneers, who posted an 0-14 season, the Jaguars I think (are they still in existence?) and of the course the only perfect team in American professional sports history, the Dolphins.  Once you comprende this, you realize that FDOT stands for Former Dolphins On Team.  The Crack Team went next level in realizing that the team with the best player from the only perfect team should have a decided advantage. Raheem Mostert of the 49ers is a former Dolphin. You know Raheem, the mammal who just ran for 220 yards in the NFC Championship game.  The 49ers traded a first round pick second round pick, a vintage ITZA football, picked him up after the Dolphins cut him.   After FDOT is calculated, the 49ers become a 1.31/1 favorite to win. 

            Butt of course, the analysis doesn’t stop there.  The tight end must be considered.  ILBBCL is how the Crack Team lists this statistical category.  We can't be certain but we think that stands for "I like big butts and I cannot lie."  The tight end is so important that the Deflatriots decided to keep a serial killing tight end while he was serial killing.  Aaron Hernandez undoubtedly knew the importance of tight ends...when he was negotiating with the Patsies.  The Chiefs have a brilliant tight end in Travis Kelce who could move into the top five in receiving yards for tight ends as soon as 2022.  George Kittle set the all-time single season receiving yard record in 2018.  They are both great, but there is a subtle difference.  If you placed a toga on both players, which one would look more like Jesus? Well it’s Kittle obviously.  When in doubt, K.I.S.S, keep it simple stupid.  Or in this case K.I.T.T., keep it thimple thupid.  The K.I.T.T. way is better because Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that if you call another stupid, you will lose the kingdom of Heaven.  He also said blessed are the Cheesemakers. The 49ers are now 1.85/1 favorites according to the ESPN Crack Code.

            The most important category is EMINEM.  It stands for Entertainment Media In NFL Eggdicator Measurement.  Notice how it combines fancy scientific terms like “Measurement” with the NFL and entertainment.  It’s a confusing formula that combines ancestry and Eggdicators and Earls.  Let’s go beyond the normal statistical analysis and do some high level cypherin’.  Deebo Samuel’s second cousin once recorded a song called, We are Deebo It reached the Billboard top forty-nine, which must be factored into the Crack Formula.  The Niners also have Dorian O’ Daniel, obviously named after Pappy O’ Daniel who famously quipped, ”I'll press your flesh you dimwitted sumofbitch!" Notice that even Pappy knew not to use the word fool.  He’s read the Sermon on the Mount.  The Niners also have Ahkello Witherspoon, Reese’s brother from another mother.  Do you know who he is?   Niner defensive end Dee Ford is directly descended from Henry, who won that Ford versus Ferrari thing.   Wait, who won that Ford versus Ferrari thing?   Earl Mitchell is descended from the distinguished Earl of Sandwich.  Richie James, Jr. has a famous father who was a super freak, super freak, he’s super freaky yeah.  Richard Sherman is named for a famous general who burned Atlanta while fighting to free African-Americans from the bonds of slavery.  That’s obviously why Richard’s mom named him Sherman.   Then you have King Solomon Thomas, a 300-pound defensive tackle who plays more like a 300-pound queen.  New man on the Minnesota Vikings.  Then there’s Ben Garland, Judy Garland’s grand-nephew.  Judy was originally born Judy Garcia but changed her name to Garland in hopes that her parents wouldn’t find out that she was Cuban.  Hopefully Ben doesn’t read this article.  It would be a shock.   Is Kendrick Bourne a legacy, a supremacy or an ultimatum?  We need to know before we can properly assign a value under the Crack Formula.  As Ponce de Leon is from the city of Leon, so must the Niners Daniel Helm be from Helm’s Deep.   He’s trying for that one ring, but I hear he better be careful what he wishes for.   And then there’s Laken Tomlinson.  People often choose between a pool or a pond and while I think a pond is the better option for you, nobody ever seems to consider a Laken. 

            We understand you may be a bit confused by ESPN’s Crack Formula, but bear with us.  It will all make sense in the end, if you get my drift.  The Chiefs are led by a cool cat named Mahomes.  Several of my friends like to call him Myhomie, though they are quick to point out that they like African people.  My homie don’t play that.  The Chiefs have two Damiens.  Damien: Omen II was clearly inferior to Damien: Omen I, but either way, having a psycho killer on your football team hasn’t proven to be a deterrent for a Super Bowl ring.  Morris Clayborn isn’t a very good football player, but he did start a mime group called Morris Clay and the Mime.  They do a lot of bird imitations.   Some of the connections are a bit macabe, like Ty-Reek Hill.  Everyone remembers Reek.  He had a number of aliases like Theon Turncloak, The Prince of Stink and The Squid Prince.  He was always humming the ‘ol medieval tune, If I Only Had Bollocks.  Andrew Wylie is descended from a Coyote with a somewhat checkered past. Eric Fischer is descended from a king, and Honey Badger is a mean old thing.  Harrison Butker is a distant relative of Butthead.  He said butt, hehe.  Other than that the Chiefs are fairly unremarkable. 

            When we enter into the final calculation (you know, the one that happens in the end, but not the tight end) it certainly seems that the 49ers have a massive lead over poor Andy Reid who doesn’t come from a famous seed.  Little Orphan Andy.  Ultimately, this thing will be decided by seeds.  Seeds grow into trees.  There is one player who is 6’8” and closely resembles a tree.  Ironically his name is Deforest.  Deforest Buckner, the Groot looking humanoid you will be watching block out the sunlight this upcoming day of our lord.  Neil Peart, who passed away recently, once penned a song about him that went:  “There is unrest in Deforest, there is trouble with the trees.  For the maples want more sunlight and the oaks ignore their pleas.”  While Neil’s name looks like heart, it’s actually pronounced Peert.  But when Peart died it hurt my heart, which is pronounced like part.

           Anywho, da key is in Deforest.  God said, “You shall not cut the trees down.  For is the tree of the field a man, that it should be besieged by you?”  That’s in Deuteronomy. What God very clearly stated is that it’s alright to kill people, but don’t diddle with the trees.  George W. Bush would have said, “Forest good; deforest bad.”  W. possessed a certain genius. 

        While many of the connections in this story have been tenuous, Deforest can have only one meaning.  To cut down trees.  Deforest Buckner is a great player, but we have a bumper sticker that says What Happens if We Ruin the Planet Before Jesus Returns.  We understand a lot about Jesus and Nature, and Jesus’s nature.  Their relationship is direct, not inverse. Deforest clear cuts all of the 49ers’ Crack Formula points.  And let’s not forget the essence of the 49er.  They unscrupulously tear into the earth for money.  Literally, digging for gold/throwing away/a fortune in feelings/but someday they’ll pay. That’s the type of behavior Jesus says gets you fast tracked to hell without so much as an interview with Peter.  “Do not linger with my Peter.  You're going straight to hell, just like your momma said.”  I’m sure that’s somewhere in the Bible.  So the Chiefs win because the 49ers have a guy named Deforest.

            If I was on the 49ers I’d ask to be traded.  Not to the Saints because, contrary to their name, they got busted this week for supporting pedophilia in all its despicable forms which always seems connected to the highest levels of the catholic church.  If I were on the 49ers I’d request a trade to the Dolphins, God’s only perfect creation.  If I were a Wonder Twin I’d say, with conviction, “Wonder Twin powers activate!  Form of a dolphin!”  But I’m not a Wonder Twin or a 49er, nor have I ever been convicted. I am thinking of changing my name to Ace Ventura and applying for a security job at Landshark Stadium.  I suspect I’ll begin on the night shift, but we all start somewhere. 

THE Matriculator

   P.S.  If you must know the technical stuff, which seems like child's play compared to the rest of the analysis, for the final score we take Travis Kelce's number 87, divide it by 2, subtract .5, divide by 2 again, add .5, and then add 5.  For the 49ers we do the same for George Kittle's number 85 except we don't add the last .5 in.  The formula seems self evident.  Chiefs 27-49ers 25.

We are the closest thing to a lead pipe cinch, correctly predicting the Super Bowl winner seven of the last eight times.  That's right, 7-1 since God and The Matriculator voided the Cheatriots' Super Bowl wins.  You can read them all right here:

Super Bowl 45: Man What Are You Doin' Here

Super Bowl 46: Mexicans Don't Make Mercedes

Super Bowl 47: Civil War 2.0

Super Bowl 48: One World Is Enough

Super Bowl 49: Patriot Act

Super Bowl 50: Dancing King

Super Bowl 51: One Ring To Rule Them All

Super Bowl 52: (We did not do a Super Bowl article in protest of the use of plastic straws and disposable bottles)

Super Bowl 53: Roland Williams' Mother