Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.  What's wrong with that?

Down Goes Janay Palmer Rice

                  It’s intriguing how much a person can learn from a fairly routine event like an NFL player knocking his girlfriend out.  Lesson number one: Ray Rice’s girlfriend-come-first wife Janay Rice has a glass chin.  Janay's boxing career ended almost before it began.  While taking what could only be described as a mediocre upper cut, she demonstrated the motherly instinct that has for thousands of years kept women on the sidelines cheering while the men ran for touchdowns.  But that lesson is not nearly as important as what we’ve learned about the state of women’s lib.  It has finally arrived boys and girls, excuse me I meant ladies. 

                One small flesh wound for Janay Palmer, one giant leap for womankind.  I grew up around Cuban women, so I’ve always been a staunch supporter of the women’s lib movement.  Otherwise I would have had my ass kicked by everyone from my grandmother through my younger cousin Juliana. While I was dumb, I wasn’t stupid.  Or is it, I was stupid, but I wasn’t dumb?   In any event I’ve been waiting for this day to arrive, though I didn’t think Roger Goodell had the balls to forever verify that women were now equal to men.  If Janay had been Jonny when she started hitting Ray, there wouldn’t have been any punishment.  And that’s the point Goodell made with his paltry little two game love tap to Ray Rice's wrist.  It’s called self-defense when a guy protects himself from the old ultra-violence from anyone but a woman. B.G. (before Goodell) men had been getting the shaft in the old domestic dispute battle. It seemed that the quid pro quo for a woman having to put up with their aloof, pig of a husband was that the woman got to thrash him to within inches of his life with relative impunity.  The woman could pull a gun and kick him upside his head and the man had to take it.  No wonder women outlive men. Well no more according to Goodell.   He sent a message in no uncertain terms to women of the world.  You have arrived, he announced.   But you better knock him out with that first handbag to the head or you’re fixin’ to get a beat down.  Welcome to the 21st century Amelia Earhart. 

                Lesson number three: If you want to marry a wealthy athlete, simply punch him in the face and kick him in the shins.  He will, most likely, give you a nice little tolchock and wedding bells are in your near future.  And you don’t even have to sign a pre-nup!  Just ask Janay Palmer Rice who scored a wedding with Mr. Rice before he even appeared at his arraignment.  Janay Palmer Rice has decided to use her new found wealth to start a singing career.  She asked the Matriculator to pen a diddy for her and we have obliged by doing a re-write of the Helen Reddy classic, I am Woman.  Here it is:

I am woman, not a whore

That’s me down there on the floor

Video shows too much to go back and pretend

‘Cause I’ve heard it all before

That’s me gettin’ dragged across the floor

No one’s ever gonna knock me down again


Oh yes, I am wise

But it’s wisdom born of pain

Yes, he’s paid the price

Boy look how much I’ve gained

If I have to, I will do anything

I am rich

He is an imbecile

I am woman!


You can punch and really hurt me

But now your lawyers cannot skirt me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back with your schlonger

Not a Ho Bag any longer

‘Cause you deepened the numbers in my bank roll


Oh yes, I am wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain

Yes I paid the price

But look at the millions I’ve gained

I am rich

He is an imbecile

I am woman!


I am woman watch me throw

See me standing toe to toe

Til he drags my loving arms through the elevator door

But I’m still a semi-ho

With a long, long way to go

But at least I made my brother understand


Oh yes, I watch the housewives

They taught me all I need to know

Yes, I’m bruised outside

But it wasn’t that big of a blow

If I have to, my face can take anything

I am rich

He is an imbecile

I am woman!

             Rumor has it that Ray Rice intends to file for an annulment now that Goodell has gone easy on him.  A sideline mike picked up the following conversation between Rice and Terrell Suggs, "If I had known Goodell was a women's libber I never would have married her.  My lawyer says I can get an annulment because it was an Elvis wedding and I just thought it was a part of the entertainment package."