Everybody says she's the brains behind Pa.  She's sixty-eight but she says she's fifty-four.  I ain't gonna work for Maggie's Ma no more.

The Matriculator Earns $100 Million During Lockout and Makes Offer to Purchase Dallas Cowboys for $4.73


            While the owners are trying to figure out how to convince the players (and public) that they negotiated in good faith, we earned $100 million dollars.  If things work out the way we intend, we’ll be using a small portion of that to purchase the Cowboys from Jerry Jones. He’s in shock now that his business is no longer able to violate the nation’s anti-trust laws.  We are swooping in like a buzzard on a rotting rat carcass. Carpe Diem!

          I’ve spent the last two months trying to determine what the NFL’s highly paid front offices do.  I haven’t figured it out.  All I know with any degree of certainty is that NFL front offices earn $100 million per year to make incredibly bad decisions that cost their employers millions of dollars.  This article will correct that for the teams, so I figure I’m entitled to the dough.  It’s only fair and in America we’re nothing if not fair.  Dr. Gonzo is preparing a letter to send to NFL teams demanding that they pay their portion of The Matriculator’s $100 million.   We’ll post the letter on the site in the coming week. 

          We asked fifty people the following question:  “If you could have any pick in the NFL draft hoping to get the best player available, which pick would you want?”  Ninety percent of them said, “Number 1”.  A few smart asses went with 2, 3, or 4.  They were wrong, wrong, wrong, annnd wrong.  We have graded each spot in the draft between 2005-2009. (Grading System).  We understand it’s a little early to grade ’08 and ’09, but you’ll get the point.  The most valuable spot was the 23rd pick which included Pro-Bowlers Dwayne Bowe and Davin Joseph, NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year Runner-up Michael Oher, and Super Bowl winner Rashard Mendenhall.  The next three most valuable picks were #24, #25 and lucky #13. All of those picks outperformed all of the top-10 picks. Other picks that were more highly rated than the #1 pick included #29 and #30 in the first round and picks #34 and #38 IN THE SECOND ROUND.  That’s right.  And you just figured out, with a minimal amount of effort, what those people making $100 million haven’t figured out in decades.  Psst, that’s why the Patriots trade down year after year after year.  And that’s why they are one of the best teams, year after year after year.   We asked one other question of our fifty survey participants and they all got it right.  It was like a question on a University of Georgia basketball team test.   “In order from highest contract to lowest, list the contracts for the following draft picks:  Pick #1, #10, #23, #30, #38.”  Everyone got it right.   100%.  Great job, Johnny!   It’s fun to learn and learning is fun.  You can do it under the North Star, or under the sun.  It’s not that the Patriots consistently draft better players.  Their track record is really not that great.  It’s that they get comparable players much cheaper.  That’s good business 101.   

Here are the point totals for the various draft positions and their value.  Check our Mock Draft for the player grades and send your comments if you disagree.

Picks 1-10                 Picks 11-20              Picks 21-30

  1. 28                   11. 33                                    21. 22
  2. 33                   12. 33                                    22. 24
  3. 32                   13. 34                                    23. 36
  4. 26                   14. 32                                    24. 35
  5. 28                   15. 25                                    25. 34
  6. 18                   16. 15                                    26. 31
  7. 28                   17. 22                                    27. 30
  8. 22                   18. 18                                    28. 24
  9. 25                   19. 32                                    29. 30
  10. 19                   20. 28                                    30. 29


          Players in the very good or better range (8-10) are evenly distributed through the three segments with 1-10 having 8 players, 11-20 having 7 players and 21-30 having 9 players.  What do you learn from looking at the numbers?  You don’t ever trade up unless the difference between the player you want and everyone else is so striking that it screams for a trade.  In other words, if out of the next ten players on your draft board, nine of them look like Rosanne Barr and one looks like Jessica Biel, you go ahead and trade Roseanne Barr and Ellen Degeneris for Jessica.  If the difference isn’t that blatant, you go back in the draft.  $100 million please.

          I’ve already earmarked a small portion of my millions.  I’m going to call Jerry Jones and tell him that I’ve done an evaluation of the Dallas Cowboys and I’m willing to offer $4.73 to purchase the team from him.  He’s going to ask to see a copy of my evaluation.  I’m going to tell him to “trust me.”  He’s going to say, “Go screw yourself, Puerto Rican.”   I’m going to tell him he’s not negotiating in good faith and that I'm actually Cuban.  There you have everything you need to know about the lockout in 5 sentences. Hey, I know it's some bizarre reasoning, but if it's good enough for the owners it's good enough for me.

          I had a dream last week that I was in the owner’s suite at Dallas Stadium.  I had the lady from the nail salon giving me a foot massage while Angelina Jolie fed me grapes.  I waved half-heartedly when they put me on the Jumbotron.   The team had been renamed the Dallas Matriculators and the star on the helmet had been replaced by another star.  Me.  My smiling face was not only on the helmets, it was on every banner at the stadium and every billboard within 500 miles of Dallas.  Just when I was getting to the bachelor party with Tony Romo, my wife shook me.  “So who’s Angelina?”  I’ve been carrying bags around Macy’s since then, but the future is clearly bright.

          Many of my closest friends listen to communist sympathizer Rush Limbaugh and they have been brainwashed into making statements like, “Well the owners should get most of the money because they own the teams.”  It’s like welfare.  They think they’re entitled to it. Other than being born, Dan Rooney didn’t do anything to become the owner of the Steelers.  If Rooney had been switched at birth and raised by the middle class Schmo family, the only football team he would own would be his fantasy football team, Schmodo’s Baggins.  And they’d probably be average.   It’s all really horribly un-American and we can only hope that at some point we’ll return to our roots where people earn what they get and aren’t born with the lazy, communist, entitlement mentality. Gordon Gekko summed it up when he said: “The richest one percent of this country owns half of the country’s wealth, five trillion dollars.  One third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons….”  We actually like Dan Rooney so we wouldn't call him an idiot son, but you get the picture.

          The NFL owner’s “product” is completely and utterly worthless without the world’s top football players.  If every player currently in the NFL quit and they formed the Kiss Our Butt League and the owners ran a team of rejects out on the field as the New York Giants, nobody would watch. “That’s Ryan Leaf handing it off to Jim Brown.  That’s his first carry since 1971.  He looks great doesn’t he Boomer? ” I’m not interested in watching that and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never watched a Redskins game because I wanted to see Dan Snyder smoke a cigar in his luxury box.  Call me crazy.  Without the Peyton Mannings of the world the networks would pay the NFL teams exactly nothing.  Squadoosh.  They probably wouldn’t even give them total consciousness on their death bed.  They’d be broke and bitching about how they can’t afford the Kiss Our Butt League Sunday Ticket to watch Manning square off against Brees. 

          In what is probably a surprise to most people, being a billionaire and being intelligent or a good businesswoman are not related.  In the NFL most of the owners made it by doing one of three things:  1.) Being born (a miracle that they did not participate in on the front end)   2.) counting ceiling tiles  3.) marrying someone whose dad was a billionaire and getting a really cool job.  (See e.g. Robert Kraft).   We’ve actually done something substantive to earn our money.  Yertle the Turtle said, “I know at the top they are seeing great sights, but down here at the bottom, we too should have rights.”  The Matriculator said: “Money, money let it flow.  Shut the hell up and give me my dough.”

MARCH 31, 2011