Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Aaron Rodgers Scorned

              Things change so quickly in the NFL.  Like week to week quickly.  4 weeks doesn’t mean much in the context of a 16-game season, but it always seems like it does. It took a while but people have finally come to the realization that Sam Darnold isn’t a franchise tosser.  Neither is Danny Penny.  Matt Stafford is still just a fair to middlin’ guy like he’s always been.  But then there’s Josh Allen!  After looking scattershot as a passer for two seasons, he’s suddenly Jim Kelly.  Let’s wait to see what happens when the defenses toughen up the rest of the season before we start any type of anointment.  Here are our thoughts through 4 games of The Year of COVID. 

Everyone is now saying what we’ve known for years.  Russel Wilson is the GOAT.  He scores when he wants, and more importantly when his team needs him too.  He owns every NFL record through the middle of his career and may break a few single season passer marks in 2020.   He’s the best that’s ever played and the Genie is now out of the bottle.

The Dallas Cowboys Circus continues its decades long tour through America.  The team hasn’t won a playoff game in 20 years, other than the Dallas Party Bus game where the referees picked up a late flag on a blatant pass interference and provided the Cowboys with a suspicious win with no explanation. The Circus sure gets a lot of lip service for a perennially underachieving bunch.  Must be the corndogs and the funnel cake.  I’m a sucker for that ring toss game myself.  We were pretty sure Mike McCarthy sucked, and he has confirmed that in rather short order.  Jerry Jones is one of the worst GMs in sports history.  He paid the not number one receiver Amari Cooper like he was a number one and left the franchise’s most important player Dak Prescott in limbo.  It was a bizarre bet, because if Prescott has a great season (he’s about to shatter every Cowboys passing record) then he was going to have to pay him, but the Cowboys don’t have the funds anymore.  So he was hoping he sucked so he didn’t have to pay him?  Because if he’s great he will likely lose him.  It’s a Catch 22, wrapped inside a Pass 4.  Prescott will command the largest contract in NFL history (per year) this offseason.  Bad bet, bad coaching, bad front office, lots of fans who still think it’s 1976.

Josh Allen is the Gomer Pyle of 2020.  Surprise, surprise, surprise! The Bills have a tasty recipe to nick a post-season game or two with a stout defense and above average offensive weapons.

Justin Herbert’s got some game.  He’s started brightly, but again we want to see it for more than a few games.  Tyrod Taylor getting his lung punctured by the team doctor to give Herbert an earlier than expected chance may be the most interesting part of Herbert’s story.

Patrick Mahomes is still the Dude.  He makes throws only a few tossers can make, and does it with style and ease.  The Chiefs defense led by the Honey Badger has been much better than expected and could be the key to a Chiefs repeat.

We’re starting to suspect Kliff Kingsbury isn’t much of a coach.  He’s more like a Princebury or a Mathew Berry.  I don’t want to be his huckleberry.  Is Kyler Murray and his quick to scramble mentality holding the team back or is it a pedestrian spread offensive plan?  It’s hard to tell, but the fact that Andy Isabella isn’t the primary receiver next to Hopkins (in spite of dingleberry saying he needs to get Isabella the ball more) is troubling.  Also troubling is the fact that Kenyan Drake, who is an excellent receiver, isn’t getting more looks in the passing game. 

Cam Newton.  Is he back, is he cracked or is he not worth jack?  He’s trending to being back, with a little cracked still hanging around.  After a bright first three games he got COVID.  His and the Patriots season is still one of the more fascinating story lines of the next few months.

Tom Brady’s Tampa Bay adventure has begun.  He’s putting up nice numbers and winning games with a stacked receiving corps.  The Bucs defense is loaded in the front seven but porous in the back.  As FDR said during World War II about the Germans, they built a defensive wall but forgot to put a roof on it.  Tampa is a team to watch, particularly if Leonard Fournette decides he feels like playing.

Miami anxiously awaits the beginning of the Tua show.  We suspect the Tua show will be one of those movies where you go, “It was good enough if I saw it at the dollar show, but it wasn’t worth $10.” Fitzmagic continues his mercurial roller coaster ride of a career.  One week Tarzan, one week Jane.  The best thing in Miami may be their young coach Brian Flores who continues to make his little ant hill look like a grassy knoll.

We tried to tell everyone Dwayne Haskins wasn’t particularly good.  The only interesting thing about the Washington train wreck is what their new name will be and how hard Daniel Snyder’s fall will be.  We're hoping they rename the team the Washington Foreskins.  Fingers crossed. 

I would say Houston has a problem, but that’s low hanging fruit.  (I said it anyway!)  We feel sorry for Deshaun Watson who is about to be a footnote as the best player on a terrible team.  Boob O’Brien got fired.  Discussing whether the Boob was worse as a GM or a coach is a debate everyone should have over Margaritas.  On a positive note, the Texans will have a top 5 pick.  The bad news is that they traded it to the Dolphins for Laremy Tunsil.  Oh, and their second-round pick too.  But they got a fourth round pick for future Hall of Famer Deandre Hopkins who is squarely in the prime of his career.  At least Watson gets to cry all the way to the bank after signing a $160 million contract.

A month ago Carson Wentz was still considered an up and coming talent.  Fast forward a mere 30 days and he looks like he’s got one foot out of the door.  Is he even an NFL starter?  The Eagles drafted Jalen Hurts in the second round.  That is one of the fastest reversal’s of fortune we’ve ever seen.  Remember in our draft grades when we lambasted the Eagles for taking Jalen Reagor ahead of Chase Claypool, Tee Higgins and Justin Jefferson? Jefferson is on his way to the Rookie of the Year award and Higgins and Claypool have combined for three touchdowns in their first 4 games. 

Joe Burrow has been solid under intense pressure behind a leaky offensive line.  A.J. Green has been a huge disappointment in his return to action.  He wanted more money and from the look of it he will get nothing and like it.

Oh Cleveland!  The talent is there.  The offensive line is stellar.  Myles Garrett might win the Defensive Player of the Year, but everyone is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Baker Mayfield hasn’t looked as bad as he did in 2019, but he hasn’t looked impressive either.

The Steady Eddie Steelers keep on truckin’.  Check back at the end of the year, just about any year, and they are between 9-7 and 11-5.  Big Ben has stayed healthy early on and they have a nice mix of solid offense and powerful defense.

The Jacksonville Shaguars continue to surprise with Dirk Diggler at quarterback.  If they get a top five pick what do they do?  Has Minshew shown enough?  What happens if they trade the entire team? Does anyone even care?  Is there anybody out there? 

The Green Bay Packers drafting a tosser in the first round turned out to be brilliant!  Hell hath no fury like Aaron Rodgers scorned.  He’s playing like the Rodgers of old just to prove them wrong.  He’s like the woman who does a porn video to piss off her Ex.  She calls up her Ex and says, “Ha,ha!”  He says “Thanks, I watch it every night.  You’re the best!” Doohhh.

The Kirk Cousins roller coaster is on its downhill year.  The Vikings may have struck gold with Justin Jefferson.

Da Bears have the worst quarterbacking history in the NFL.  Their best tosser ever is...Jay Cutler?  Oh my Lord.  They have held on to Bitchell Trubisky for far too long.  Nick Foles is the Rodney Dangerfield of NFL quarterbacks.  He's an above average NFL starter but has to prove himself every game.  If the Bears stick with Foles they have a chance to catch a playoff spot with a stout defense.

J-E-T-S, suck, suck, suck.  They are continuing to battle for the crown of the NFL’s worst organization.  Their only hope is to outduel their crosstown rival Giants in the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes.  Lawrence might (and should) pull an Eli Manning and tell the Jets to trade him because he will never play for them.  Even the new stadium turf in New York sucks.  Stephen King has written a new book where ghostly beings come out of the ground and secretly kick players in the knee when they least expect it.  He hasn’t chosen a name for it yet. He’s reportedly deciding between Turf Monsters, Ghosts of New York, or Big Apple Knee Snapple.

The Giants are the second New York entrant in the barf-a-thon of New York NFL cellar dwellars.  The Big Crapple.  They are the Boone’s Farm of NFL teams. Danny Penny was one of the worst draft picks ever.  We said that when they drafted him and he’s proven us right.  The Giants are so inept that they could get the number one pick and trade it because they, like Billy Goat Reno, think Danny Penny is “still developing”.

Kyle Shanahan is the best young coach in the NFL.  His offensive schemes are spectacularly deceptive.  He’s so brilliant he turned Matt Ryan into a winner for a season!  Unfortunately, the 49ers suffered a Hiroshima like injury game playing on the aforementioned New York stadium punji turf. ("We thought the punji sticks would help the players gain more solid footing"). Jimmy G remains the quarterback with the highest winning percentage in NFL history. 

Matt Patricia stinks, the Lions stink, and Patricia seems to be aware of both of those facts and not really care.  I suspect he eats 47 wings every night after practice and gets loaded with his buddies while playing poker.  That’s what I’d do if I were the coach of the Lions.

Teddy Bridgewater is a winner.  He never wows you with anything except his ability to win.  The Panthers were supposed to be in troubled waters heading into 2020.  Since Christian Mcaffrey went down, Teddy’s gone 2-0 on a team that was supposed to be bad with CMC.  Teddy’s a bridge over troubled waters. 

Is this it for Drew Brees?  He’s starting to look washed up and his teammates may not exactly be cheering for him.  They weren’t too happy with his comments this offseason and there is a black quarterback waiting to take over.  If Brees’s little binky Michael Thomas doesn’t return soon, this could get interesting.

The regular season Rams have looked strong for a few years now, but will they falter again come post-season?  Jared Goff can’t throw to his left.  Is he a leader of men?  So far, we say, “No.”  Aaron Donald is the best defensive player we’ve ever seen.  He’s exactly what we said he would be!

The Ravens have become the Steelers 2.0 in the past few decades.  Lamar Jackson hasn’t started spectacularly, but we’re still betting on him in 2020.  They are the most balanced team in the NFL in spite of Patrick Mahomes torching the Ravens defense.

And what better way to finish, than with a team that can’t finish.  The Colossal Collapsers.  Matty Meltdown.  The Falcons have demolished every record for blowing leads that are impossible to blow.  Arthur Blank is a nice man.  Matt Ryan is a saint.  Julio Jones is one of the hardest working superstars.  Matt isn’t much of a tosser in pressure situations.  Julio is phenomenal until it matters.  Blank loves his players, especially the ones he drafts.  It’s a recipe for the disaster that has unfolded like a Black Lives Matter march in Mississippi.  If the Falcons finish with a top 5 pick and have a chance at a franchise quarterback, they should take him and trade Matt Ryan, right?  Of course, but they won’t and they will continue to provide some of the most entertaining football ever seen for all the wrong reasons.