Some people believe the Matricultor has an unusual gift of foresight.  They are wrong.  He/she is married.

Fortesight or If a Bears Fan Shits on a Trade and Everybody Hears About It, Do They Make a Laughing Sound  or “No, that’s a deal breaker”  or Ertz a While is Erstwhile or How to Repel a Bear Attack

It’s always interesting to watch people blame their shortcomings on someone else.  It’s an American tradition.  And it’s always after the fact, like they knew what was going to happen.  It’s actually easy to do if you think about.  We have far more control of the future then we realize.  For example, if you are a famous football player and you slug your wife on video, I can predict the future.  The future will be thousands of hours of bobble heads debating whether you should suit up next week versus the Steelers or have your genitals surgically removed.   Ray and Janay Rice blamed the media.  It was them that forced him to spit on the one he loved.  It was them that forced him to slug her in the jaw.  If Rice hadn’t known on the day that he punched Janay that the media would report it, it wouldn’t have happened.  It makes perfect sense.  It was Adrian Peterson’s Dad that forced him to knock his kids around.  It was the Devil made the 75-year old Herbert the Pervert Jerry Jones stand in front of a twenty-year old girl and watch her pee in a women’s bathroom at a local restaurant.  In hindsight, the picture was taken out of context.  It was certainly taken with a hind in sight.  And LeSean McCoy’s fuku because he stiffed a waiter?  Anyone with half a brain should have seen that one coming.  But it wasn't Shady's fault, it was the waiter’s fault for posting a photograph of the tip on line.  If he hadn’t done that then nobody would have  known McCoy was an asshole, though he would still have been an asshole.  Can you still have a fuku Americanus if the general public doesn’t know you’re an asshole?   If a tree falls in the woods and Bears fan shits on it…. Those are philosophical conundrums and paradoxes that we ponder here in Matriculator World.

The Matriculator made a few trades recently in his/her fantasy league, and the league is up in arms.  They are fired up.  It’s like those guys who are complaining that Obama hasn’t worked quickly enough to fix the screwed up economy that was caused by the clown they voted for.  It’s like being pissed at your spouse that they haven’t forgiven you quickly enough for screwing the ticket guy at the movie theater or the waitress at the local diner.  It’s like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you’re already late. 

The interesting part of The Trade Heard Round the World is that it was made between the leagues two winningest teams.  They are a combined 9-1.  It’s like Cheerleader Toni Sparano giving a coaching lesson to Don Shula.   “They are trading to make their teams better.  That’s bullshit.”   If there had been a clandestine conversation between the teams about The Trade, it would have gone something like this:  “Look, we are the top two teams in the league.  Let’s swap receivers who are in the top 10 in fantasy points, but since yours is a better bet for the rest of the year, I will give you my high end number two RB on the NFL’s best rushing team for your number two on one of the worst rushing teams.”   If that had been the conversation, that’s how the Dez Bryant and Shane Vereen for Deandre Hopkins and Isaiah Crowell trade would have gone down.  Particularly if the guy getting Crowell also had Ben Tate.  The trade takes some foresight, but not much because Hopkins is really good.  Not as good as Dez, but really good.  Even so, we agree that we probably got the better of the deal.  The vitriol that came flying across the fantasy league site was quite…vitriolic.  "Bullshit" was a common term amongst the whine and cheesers.   Something about wanting money back too.  But it all came to a head a few hours later while the Matriculator rested comfortably in the Fin Cave watching Matt Forte go Gonzo.

The Matriculator sat quietly in his bunker under Fort Jefferson with Father Guido and Jake the Snake.  He/she had just said, "My this is some tasty turkey chili," when the door to the Fin Cave was flung open, slamming into the Matriculator's priceless, autographed photo of Dennis Bergkamp.  In comes flying a bear, or at least a Bears fan, with a look of anger like someone had just taken a dump in the wooded area behind his house.  “That Dez trade is bullshit!” the bear bellowed. There was such a clatter that the Matriculator turned to see what was the matter and missed a Matt Forte 13-yard burst up the middle.

“This is bullshit.”  Again. Had it become more bullshit since the first time it was bullshit or was this simply being repetitive.

Our boy/girl began to laugh hysterically and slap his knee.

“I’m serious, this isn’t funny!  We’ve voted to remove you as commissioner! You’re out!”  Is that supposed to be a punishment? Don’t throw me into the briar patch, Brian rabbit.  

“I mean Crowell for Dez!  This is bullshit!”  There’s that word  again.  I think they must mean foresight, but they keep saying bullshit.  They don’t even really sound alike. 

“Well technically there was another guy involved.  You know the one who has the same number of points as Dez.” 

“Everyone’s just trading you the title!  You are out as commissioner!”  Oh please Brian rabbit, not out as commissioner. Anything but that.

“I remember everyone complaining that I was ripped off when I traded away Julius Thomas for a couple of middlin’ backs, but I don’t recall any talk of being ‘removed’ when I was the one getting ripped off.  Frankly I’m hurt Frank and Beans. (That’s his fantasy team’s name).  Frankly I think that you don’t give a damn…about me that is.”

“You traded for Matt Forte too!  That’s bullshit.”  Everyone remembers that now.   At the time The Matriculator traded for Forte (after week 3 for Bernard Pierce and Desean Jackson) Forte was coming off 36 yard and 76 yard performances. Forte hadn’t scored a touchdown in three games.  We tried to trade the now precious Forte, but couldn’t find much interest.  “He’s not a number one back any more”, we heard.  We offered Forte, Ivory and Witten for Jimmy Graham.  It would have been a championship winning trade for Graham’s owner but he wanted Eddie Lacy and Forte.   No deal. 

“I mean you get a number one running back!” 

“Nobody thought he was a number one back when I got him.  It’s called foresight.  Actually in this case it’s called Fortesight.”  

“That’s bullshit (again), I offered you a trade for him.”  

“Yes, I recall that.  Do you remember why you wouldn’t make the deal?” 

“No, Why?  This is bullshit.”  

“Because I wanted you to upgrade my tight end, just a hair.  I said give me Ertz for Witten and you have Forte.”  (The rest of the deal FYI was Chris Johnson and Antonio Brown for Forte and Justin Hunter).   “’No, that’s a deal breaker’ was your response.”  

“Oh yeah.  Well…I thought Zach Ertz was going to be a lot better than he’s been.” 

“It’s a lack of Fortesight my son.   Grasshopper will continue to teach you so that you don’t have to continue to rely on your hindsight, which is only useful for complaining about your own foibles by blaming others for the mistakes that you make.  Come bend over.  I have some more foreskin… I mean foresight… for you. I understand the sadness in your heart from not trading for a number one running back from your favorite team because of Zach Ertz, but you must not look erstwhile.  Focus on the present moment. ”

He left feeling much better as you can imagine.

When you type in a Google search for foresight, the definition is: “the ability to predict the or the action of predicting what will happen or be needed in the future.”  They even give an example of its use in a sentence:  “my lack of foresight has cost me dearly”.   So there you see.  It simply takes foresight, oh my brothers.  Don’t blame others for Zach Ertz being your deal breaker in a trade for a number one running back.  Take responsibility for your actions.  We can carry you to water but we can’t make you drink.   And in the end, always ask yourself that ultimate  question. “If a Bears fan shits on a deal and everybody hears about it, do they make a laughing sound?" 


P.S. Go ahead and try to ruin my enjoyment of another Matt Forte 20 yard touchdown catch.