Goes Ahead was a Crow scout at the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Brady’s Last Stand: Ode to Super Bowl 55

This week, the Chiefs’ barber tested positive while cutting a Chiefs player’s hair.  Legend has it that Patrick Mahomes was about to enter the danger zone and get his famous side fade cut.  The biggest event in the world was about to be torpedoed by Chiefs’ barber Buzz Cutter?  The key to Super Bowl 55 must, therefore, be in the haircut. 

          We don’t know the Cheifs' barber’s real name because it hasn’t been released to the press.  Apparently, the NFL feels obligated to protect the barber’s identity from Americans who, as we know, are prone to violence and stupidity like the clowns we saw trying to thwart our greeat democracy on January 6. As they stormed the Capitol they were tweeting things like, “I’m reedy to di for my beliffs!  Let’s doo this thing!”  They ran around for a few minutes until the PoPo told them to leave. The Proud Boys leader yelled “Run Away!” (click here for the reenactment) and then they scurried back to their mom’s basement to get in another few days watching cowboy and Indian movies before they were unceremoniously booked by The Federalies.   Hey remember when Trump said, “I could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters. Ok?  It’s like, the people who vote for me are just complete idiots!”  That was at a rally on January 23, 2016, only months before the people mentioned above actually went out and voted for him.   Anywho, if you were one of those morons, don’t go out and injure Buzz Cutter.  He was just doing his job.

            The Chiefs most famous player, Patrick Mahomes, has been featured for months in State Farm ads where he is getting his hair cut.  Generally speaking, Chiefs aren’t famous for getting haircuts as much as they are for giving them.  A dude named George Custer is the most famous recipient of a Chief’s haircut.  Chiefs were usually a bit ham handed with their grooming techniques however, and sometimes would take off a piece of the person’s scalp with it.  It’s a lack of attention to detail, really.  Custer reportedly asked for a refund.  Can you imagine going in for trim and coming out with the old brain exposed?  The better business bureau would certainly get an earful. 

            The most famous barber in modern times is Sweeney Todd, played sublimely by our boy Johnny Depp.  Wait, Depp was Edward Scissorhands too!  If I were the Chiefs I’d offer him a sky box for the big game, a free Chiefs sweatshirt and a pair of rubber scissors.  The story of Sweeny Todd goes something like this: Sweeney Todd was a barber who would kill his client’s by either slitting their throats or dropping them down a shaft onto their head.  He would then give the body to his lady friend, Ms. Lovett, who baked the flesh of the dead victims into her surprisingly popular meat pies.  Mmm, Mmm.  I can tell you this much, put some hot sauce on one of those meat pies and you be like, "Mmm. My that's a tasty meat pie.  Do you mind if I have some of this tasty beverage to wash it down?" 

            The 2020 Chiefs Super Bowl barbershop legend gets better.  Chiefs' barber Buzz Cutter was actually cutting a player’s hair when he was told that he had the Covid.  You can’t make this shit up.  If you were going to give the guy in the chair the cheesiest horror movie-sounding name, what would it be?  Like if Sweeney Todd, the guy who killed with the utmost gore, had received a more apropos name.  How about Kilgore?  Yeah, that’s who was in the seat.  Daniel Kilgore:  from back-up center to the key to Super Bowl 55. Rumor has it that Kilgore uses pomade.  He’s a Dapper Dan man of course.  

             Brady’s already old and scared, can you imagine when the Chiefs try to scalp him, or toss him on his head, or give him Covid?  Cheifs defensive end Tanoh Kpassagnon (pronounced liked Passing none) is going to bust his 6'7", 285 pounds up side Brady's head.  Little Bra-bray be calling for his mommy. This is going to be a bloodbath.  Brady’s last stand.  Chiefs 31 scalps, Buccaneers 17 meat pies.