Afternoon Delight was voted the 20th sexiest song of all-time by Billboard.  Rubbin' sticks and stones together makin' sparks at night, gets me all tingly.

2016 Drafternoon Delight

 

            Every kid remembers what it was like as Christmas approached.  It was weeks of intense study of catalogue photos of GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip.  Weeks of playing a complex game of high stakes charades with your parents who wanted to surprise you with something but also make sure you got the thing you “really” wanted. 

           As we grew older and realized that Santa Claus was the guy that we saw on the sex offender photo at the courthouse, we needed something to replace that indomitable feeling we had in our youth.  Well some of us have rediscovered that warm and fuzzy feeling.  That thing that makes us sit up wide eyed on draft eve.  Adult Christmas this year is on April 28th. There are hundreds of presents waiting to be opened, but only a few we really want.  And unlike Christmas, our parents didn’t choose them from a list that ranged from good presents to great presents.  Instead, on draft day we’ve had presents wrapped by 32 consortiums of mostly inept gift selectors like Thomas Dimitroff or Jeff Ireland or whoever is in Tampa Bay wearing a creamsicle golf shirt and a matching New Era cap.   

            Under the tree on April 28th are 32 shiny packages. "Wait, what's that Patriots' fan?  You don't what?  Get your thumb out of your mouth I can't understand you.  Oh, that's right there are only 31 picks this year because the Patriots had theirs taken away for cheating.  Again."  Some elf will write your gift down on a card and some guy named Roger who should have been fired a year ago will announce, in front of all of the important people in the world, what you get. Three years ago that guy announced that the Dolphins had traded up in hopes of delivering a higher quality gift to Dolphins fans.  When he said the words, “The Dolphins have traded up and select Dion Jordan”, I saw the face of that old lady from A Christmas Story cackling at me.  “You’ll shoot your eye out!  Here’s a lump of coal kid!  Hahahahah!”  I was mortified.  Dion Jordan, the guy that the Matriculator had spent months panning as the most overrated player in the draft was my Christmas gift!  I said something like, “Oh fudge.”  When I hear his name now, I cringe and pull back in horror like King Arthur when the Kinigets who said, “Ni”, said “Ni”.  But enough about Dolphins and Kinigets, let’s talk some 2016 Drafternoon Delight.   We’ve got a few gifts for you to unwrap, one at a time.  Careful though, momma doesn’t like it when you destroy the bow.

            So lets start on the positive side.  What presents do you want that guy who should have been fired a year ago to call out as he takes the podium.   Well it’s all relative of course, to where you’re picking; however, these choices seem self-evident.

 

At pick number 3, the Chargers will determine the course of the draft by selecting...Open Present Number 1.

 

At pick number 4, the Cowboys should surely take...Open Present Number 2.

 

At pick #11 the Bears will surely violate Leo Dicaprio and then...Open Present Number 3.


At pick #14 the Raiders continue to build a champion by selecting...Open Present Number 4.

 

At pick #17 the Falcons will take...Open Present Number 5.

 

At pick #20, the Jets select...Open Present Number 6.

 

At pick #26 the Seahawks Jeff Ireland doinks it with...Open Present Number 7.

 

At pick #29 the Patriots...Open Present Number 8.

 

At pick #30 the Panthers select...Open Present Number 9.

 

We are hoping for the best for all Matriculees, believe you me, but at least 5 of you will be receiving lumps of coal.   When they say “lump of coal” it may sound oddly like...Open Present Number 10.

 

If we were gong to predict a trade that makes perfect sense it would be:...Open Present Number 11.

 

Of course, if the Jets...Open Present Number 12.

 

You'll poke your eye out if...Open Present Number 13.

 

Poor pick #19. Open Present Number 14.

 

Things that make you go, Hmm.

 

Are the 49ers really...Open Present Number 15.

 

Objectively speaking...Open Present Number 16.

 

Draft Rule Number One:  When in doubt...Open Present Number 17.

Draft Rule Number Two: When in doubt...Open Present Number 18.

And with the 13th pick the Miami Dolphins select...Open Present Number 19.

 

            Think of April 28th as your Drafternoon Delight.  Your team can’t possibly screw anything up until 8:00.01 e.s.t on Thursday.  And if you need to, get your pucker ready and sing:

 

Some things in draft’s are bad

They can really make you sad

Ryan Leaf makes you swear and curse

And who knew Peyton carried a purse


But, always look on the bright side of life (whistle)

Always look on the light side of life (whistle some more)

 

So when you see Jamarcus eating an éclair

Remember Brady Quinn’s got nice hair

And when your team calls Dion's

Don't fret, it’s been going on for eons

 

Come on, always look on the bright side of life (whistle damnit!)

Always look on the light side of life (Whistle or Jameis will f%@# you right in the patooty!)

 

So when you’re feeling blue

And your friends are laughing at you

Feel free to club them in the leg

Or crack their head open like an egg

 

And then watch this viddy, and sing this little ditty

Always look on the bright side of life