Afternoon Delight was voted the 20th sexiest song of all-time by Billboard.  Rubbin' sticks and stones together makin' sparks at night, gets me all tingly.

Drafternoon Delight

 

            Every kid remembers what it was like as Christmas approached.  It was weeks of intense study of catalogue photos of GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip.  Weeks of playing a complex game of high stakes charades with your parents who wanted to surprise you with something but also make sure you got the thing you “really” wanted. 

           As we grew older and realized that Santa Claus was the guy that we saw on the sex offender photo at the courthouse, we needed something to replace that indomitable feeling we had in our youth.  Well some of us have rediscovered that warm and fuzzy feeling.  That thing that makes us sit up wide eyed on draft eve.  Adult Christmas this year is on April 30th. There are hundreds of presents waiting to be opened, but only a few we really want.  And unlike Christmas, our parents didn’t choose them from a list that ranged from good presents to great presents.  Instead, on draft day we’ve had presents wrapped by 32 consortiums of mostly inept gift selectors like Thomas Dimitroff or Jeff Ireland or whoever is in Tampa Bay wearing a creamsicle golf shirt and a matching New Era cap.   

            Under the tree on April 30th are 32 shiny packages.  Some elf will write your gift down on a card and some guy who should have been fired 6 months ago will announce, in front of all of the important people in the world, what you get. Two years ago that guy announced that the Dolphins had traded up in hopes of delivering a higher quality gift to Dolphins fans.  When he said the words, “The Dolphins have traded up and select Dion Jordan”, I saw the face of that old lady from A Christmas Story cackling at me.  “You’ll shoot your eye out!  Here’s a lump of coal kid!  Hahahahah!”  I was mortified.  Dion Jordan, the guy that the Matriculator had spent months panning as the most overrated player in the draft was my Christmas gift!  I said something like, “Oh fudge.”  When I hear his name now, I cringe and pull back in horror like King Arthur when the Kinigets who said, “Ni”, said “Ni”.  But enough about Dolphins and Kinigets, let’s talk some 2015 Drafternoon Delight.   We’ve got a few gifts for you to unwrap, one at a time.  Careful though, momma doesn’t like it when you destroy the bow.

            So lets start on the positive side.  What presents do you want that guy who should have been fired 6 months ago to call out as he takes the podium.   Well it’s all relative of course, to where you’re picking; however, these choices seem self-evident.

 

At pick number 7, the Bears...Open Present Number 1.

 

At pick number 8, the Falcons should surely take...Open Present Number 2.

 

At pick #9 the Giants will surely select...Open Present Number 3.


At pick # 11 the Vikings...Open Present Number 4.

 

At pick #17 the Chargers will take...Open Present Number 5.

 

At pick #22, the Steelers will draft...Open Present Number 6.

 

At pick #25 the Panthers will draft...Open Present Number 7.

 

At pick #28 the Broncos...Open Present Number 8.

 

At pick #32 the Patriots...Open Present Number 9.

 

We are hoping for the best for all Matriculees, believe you me, but at least 5 of you will be receiving lumps of coal.   When they say “lump of coal” it may sound oddly like...Open Present Number 10.

 

If we were gong to predict a trade that makes perfect sense it would be:

 

The Browns trading...Open Present Number 11.

 

Of course the Browns can't trade for a tosser if the Eagles offer the Titans...Open Present Number 12.

 

The Chargers traded up...Open Present Number 13.

 

Poor pick #19. Open Present Number 14.

 

Things that make you go, Hmm.

 

Are the Titans really...Open Present Number 15.

 

Objectively speaking...Open Present Number 16.

 

Draft Rule Number One:  When in doubt...Open Present Number 17.

Draft Rule Number Two: When in doubt...Open Present Number 18.

And with the 14th pick...Open Present Number 19.

 

            Think of April 30th as your Drafternoon Delight.  Your team can’t possibly screw anything up until 8:00.01 e.s.t on Thursday.  And if you need to, get your pucker ready and sing:

 

Some things in draft’s are bad

They can really make you sad

Ryan Leaf makes you swear and curse

And who knew Peyton carried a purse


But, always look on the bright side of life (whistle)

Always look on the light side of life (whistle some more)

 

So when you see Jamarcus eating an éclair

Remember Brady Quinn’s got nice hair

And when your team calls Dion

Don't fret, it’s been going on for eons

 

Come on, always look on the bright side of life (whistle damnit!)

Always look on the light side of life (Whistle or Jameis will f%@# you right in the patooty!)

 

So when you’re feeling blue

And your friends are laughing at you

Feel free to club them in the leg

Or crack their head open like an egg

 

And then watch this viddy, and sing this little ditty

Always look on the bright side of life