"A man worthwhile is a man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat."  Judge Smails

ARINEM is Slim and Shady (Warning: Explicit Content)


            Following in the footsteps of Cam Newton[1], Ryan Mallett (aka ARINEM) has indicated that he wants to be an entertainer and an icon too.  A rapper no less.  A microphone at the Combine picked up a conversation ARINEM had with his agent in which he indicated, “Well fucking Newton gets to do it, why can’t I.  They’re just discriminating against me because I’m a white rapper.” 

        NFL scouts have indicated that ARINEM throws the ball better than any quarterback to come out of college since Dan Marino, but we say ‘Put the tape on, and what does he give you?’  A video has recently surfaced of ARINEM rapping and doing the running man in MC Hammer Genie pants. He raps in impertinent part:

Rollin’ with Tosh 5.0

With my dew rag on, so my hair don’t blow

Kong Suh’s a real stand out

Waiting just to make me pout

Did I stop? Naw, I just rolled out

Kept on

Throwing to the wrong guy

Number 1-8

Detroit cornerback! (Jim Carrey's version is markedly better than ARINEM's)

            One GM, who asked to remain anonymous, said his daughter watched the video and laughed when Mallett grabbed his crotch and tried to moonwalk.  “That was so stone age,” she reportedly cackled.  She didn't know how prophetic she was. The GM went on to state the obvious, “These are areas of concern that will need to be addressed before ARINEM starts spinning it for real.  In spite of his issues though, we think he will be the favorite from this draft class to win the Grammy and MVP in the same season. Newton struggles mightily to remember his lyrics and frequently moves outside of the lead guitarist on stage.  After his last performance he tried to throw his sweaty shirt to Jenn Sterger who was in the front row, only about a first down away.  The shirt sailed over her head and into the hands of Elton John who blushed.  If ARINEM had thrown his shirt, it would have hit Sterger in the chest and she would’ve exploded.  No comparison really.”

            ARINEM has reportedly not been studying playbooks but has been building his band.  Former Raider Skip Thomas, aka Dr. Death, has signed on not because he can beatbox or scratch or break dance, but because he has a fly nickname.  Master P can beatbox and scratch and break dance, but in a bizarre twist he has not been hired to perform any of those functions.  Instead he’s been retained to negotiate ARINEM’s first NFL contract.  “Get me one like Ricky Williams’ first contract, yeeahh.”  Broadway Joe Namath will choreograph the dancers and has a clause in his contract that indicates he “can kiss the dancers whenever the hell I get the urge.”  Prince (being a lifelong Vikings fan) has agreed that if the Vikings draft Mallett he will allow ARINEM to record his own version of Purple Rain entitled Purple Fixin’ to Reign on Yo Damn Head, Biatch.  Dez Bryant will be on guitar.  Bono initially agreed to make a cameo in one of the videos.  He backed out when ARINEM insisted that he call himself Boner.  Janet Jackson wanted one million dollars to sing back-up with the Boobettes.  She said she’d be willing to display her breast, but only the right one since a hundred million people had already seen it anyway. As of the printing of this story she had been offered $100 for a single breast exposure and $500 for a double breast exposure.  That’s what I call collective bargaining.

        The other quarterbacks in the 2011 draft have realized they need to change with the times.  Jake Locker wants to be called The Joker, which is a bad idea.  Colin Kaepernick has formed a band called Semi-White Kaepernickus and the Heliocentric Cosmologists.   Blaine Gabbert is throwing his hat onto the stage, though we think he’ll struggle to muster any real street cred since he has dubbed himself BeeGee.  He certainly is an Andy Gibb look-alike and is reportedly planning to sing, "How Deep is Your Love?" after throwing deep routes at his pro day.  Obviously nobody has told him. Disco’s dead Blaine, disco’s dead.

             The overriding issue (and it’s only a rumor) is not Mallett’s accuracy or the tone of his lyrics.  It’s something far more important than that.  Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, has a new book that is to be released on the eve of the Draft, April 27. It’s called The Life of Ryan and it follows Robert Langdon and Sophie Nuveau on the trail of something more groundbreaking than Jesus’ alleged concubine.  We hired the Patriots Head of Security, Cheating and Shit, Joe Goebbels, who obtained an advance copy of the book.  Robert Langdon learns that Mallett’s father frequently (too frequently to be coincidence) said, “Ryan Jesus Christ,” usually in response to him sneaking cigarettes into his room or taking the Playboy into the bathroom with him.  This sends the two snoops on a wild ride through the heart of the United States.  They break into the Pro Football Hall of Fame to study the portrait of Lance Alworth which bears a striking similarity to the Mona Lisa.  They catch Brett Favre taking a wiz on Aaron Rodger's Super Bowl jersey and are eventually chased out by Deacon Jones who threatens to “club them” like he did Fran Tarkenton. Langdon has a one night stand with a woman in Cleveland who has taken on the name of former Brown’s receiver Fair Hooker. In the final chapter they have made their way to the fifteen yard line at Giants Stadium. The book closes with this:

            Langdon:  Mallett is number fifteen, and we’re on the fifteen yard line at Giants’ Stadium.  I can’t quite make it all fit.

            Nuveau:  Well if you combine that with the Fabonacci Sequence.

            Langdon:  Holy shit Sophie!

            Nuveau:  That’s right Robert.  It wasn’t Jimmy Hoffa who was buried at Giants’ Stadium.  It was Jesus.  And he’s returned as Ryan Mallett!

            If Brown’s theory is proven to be true, this will create some far reaching issues.  Why did Jesus come back as a hard partying, rapper quarterback.  And once his true identity is revealed will he rename himself LL Cool J and rap, "Don't call it a comeback, 'cause I been here for years."  Or will he choose Vanilla Christ.  And if you're the Panthers who do you select with the number one pick in the draft? Jesus certainly has Newton dominated in the intangibles department, but does he know what a cover two shell is?  I've heard of a draft conundrum, but this is ridiculous. 

        The rest of the quarterback class will have some issues of their own.  Should they sell their soul to the devil for a chance at the number one pick?  Tom Condon has advised against it, as has Pete Dye, but Drew Rosenhaus has strongly recommended that Jake Locker go ahead.  Rosenhaus reportedly told Locker, "It's not that bad...trust me."



[1] who wants to be more like Wayne Newton than Nate Newton and apparently has a brain that has gravitated away from Isaac Newton


Jerramy Spoke in Class Today 

            Jerramy Stevens, recently signed tight end for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, spoke at Hillsborough High School in Tampa today as part of his community service work.  I was fortunate enough to be there for his stirring, heartfelt answers to Mrs. Crabtree’s Senior class of honor students.  Below is the transcript.

          “Class we are privileged today to have NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens as our special guest.   He has recently signed a contract with our local foosball team, the Suckabeers, or whatever they’re called.  I am confident that Jerramy will fit right in.” 

          “Last season he had thirty nine catches, including 4 touchdowns and for a third straight season he caught a venereal disease.  Was it crabs this year Jerramy?” 

         “Yes ma’am.  I like shrimp cocktail too and Long John Silvers,” he said as he looked up while texting the woman he had assaulted the night before. 

            “Jerramy also has two hit and runs, he’s been pulled over four times for driving while under the influence, he kicked a man in the face, punched holes in school walls and was arrested for raping a Freshman girl at the University of Washington.  Other than that, he has been a model citizen.  Let’s hear it for Jerramy.”  (Clapping).

            “Thank you.  Now what am I doing here again?”           

            “You’re going to answer some questions for our class Jerramy.”

            “Okay.  But I don’t have to tell the truth do I?” 

            “Yes Jerramy.  The Judge’s Order says it right here.  Otherwise they will threaten to take you to jail until they realize you’re an NFL player and then there will be a mysterious lack of sufficient evidence.  You’ve heard that phrase before haven’t you?”

            “Yes Ma’am.  That’s my favorite quote.  I had a plaque specially made for my crib that says, “Lack of Evidence.” 

            “You live in a crib do you?”

            “Yes ma’am.  A big one.” 

            “Well isn’t that special?”

            “Okay class, go ahead.” 

            “Mr. Stevens.  I’m interested in history.  Could you tell me who your favorite historical figure was?”

            “That’s easy.  Henry VIII.” 

            “Did you like his style of ruling?”

            “Yeah.  Trav’s got eight kids by eight different women.  That’s my boy right there.” 

            “I wouldn’t call him a historical figure would you.”

            “Yeah he got cut by the Broncos today.  Are you sure these kids are advanced?” 

            “I understand you were a great athlete in high school.  Why did you choose football over the other sports?” 

            “Well that time I used the baseball bat on that guy in the park, it kind of cracked my bat.  And then I had to serve a few months so I decided against baseball.  Same thing with soccer.  When I kicked him in the head and he had to drink through a straw, it left a bad taste in my mouth.  Get it, straw, taste in my mouth.  Man, I’m gonna go into writin’ after I retire.” 

            “You went to school in Lacey.  How was that?”

            “It was great!  Was that the one at the frat house or in the back seat of my car?” 

            “You threatened referees after a basketball game one time.  Do you have an explanation for this?” 

            “Yeah, they ejected me for being too aggressive.  What was I supposed to do?  Damn you got some thick heads in here.” 

            “Scott Lendahand, the current coach of the St. Louis Rams wrote to the judge after you kicked a comatose person that you had beaten with a baseball bat and said this was an isolated incident.  What do you think he meant and was he correct?” 

            “I think he meant these types of events were isolated to me.  He was correct because every time I do something stupid I’m involved.  So they are isolated to me.  He was correct.” 

            “One of your high school teachers said that she saw you defend a kid with a speech impediment and that you had a gentle side.  Do you agree with that and what would your gentle side be?”

            “Oh yeah.  Studddering Stannnley Simmmmmpson.  I don’t know what that teacher was talking about because I wasn’t very gentle with her.  She was an athlete groupie.  My gentle side would be my gluteus maximus.  You know my ass.  I’ve never sat on a disabled child with it or anything and you can’t really swing a bat with it, you know what I mean?” 

            “I’m going to college soon and I was wondering how you handled all of the schoolwork.  Did you spend a lot of time in the books?”

             “Well I spent some time on them.  That time I crashed my truck into the nursing home and knocked a dresser onto a sleeping 92 year old woman I had to use my books under my truck tires to back out so I could get away before anyone got my license.  That was a good use of my school books.” 

            “If you could describe your running style in one word, what would it be?” 

            “Hit and Run.” 

            “That’s three words.”

            “Stand up you little punk and I’ll show you without saying a $%*&#@ word you little *&%$#.” 

            “Jerramy.  Please now.” 


            “If you had to pick one drive as your favorite, what would it be?”

            “Probably that time when I had been drinking Wild Turkey and punched my girlfriend in the face on Route 66.  I ran over a baby’s stroller and clipped a few cars before I got home and assaulted the maid and then passed out on the couch.  What was the question again?” 

            “What did you spend your signing bonus on?” 

            “The settlement for that Freshman girl they say I raped. I still don't get that one.  I can swear on Tupac that she never said, 'No'.” 

            "She had been drugged and was comatose Jerramy."

            "My point exactly.  How could a someone who's passed out say 'No'.  Our legal system is messed up."

            “I know that you are very intense on the football field.  Do you think you play with conviction?”

            “Yes, several.” 

            “Jerramy I want to be a poet and I read that poem you wrote to that girl at the University of Washington.  It was sort of dark, calling her a “Whore” and saying some of those other things.  Would you call your style dark?” 

            “Yes.  I submitted that one for a poetry competition.  I haven’t heard back yet.” 

            “Okay class.  That’s enough of Jerramy.  If you want to see more of Jerramy you can go to Raymond James Stadium this fall.  Just don’t ask him for an autograph after the game because you will likely be assaulted.  Next week we have Suckabeers General Manager Bruce Allen who will answer questions about why he thinks an alleged rapist, hit and run, drunk ‘is a good young man.’  Our first question will be why he won't let his daughter date this 'good young man.'”

            “Thank you Ms. Crabtree.  You don’t know how worried I was that I was going to come across as a dumb athlete.  You know all those big words you used were really sexy.  Do they have a dumpster behind the school?  I was thinking maybe...you know.” 

            “Class dismissed!”           

                                                                      May 1, 2007



Donovan’s Big Fat Seat Pudding


            Donovan Mcnabb has a grandiose bupkiss.  An enormous tookus.  Some big fat seat pudding, according to his coach Mike Shanahan.  And most wouldn’t argue with Shanahan.  The dude knows football, right?  He won some Super Bowls with a pretty good tosser, John Elway, who had what Shanahan described as “only a slightly larger than average white ass, very well formed and firm when slapped after a touchdown….”

            Coach Shanahan, in his infinite wisdom, addressed the media after a recent  5 point loss in which he pulled his multi-million dollar star quarterback in the final two minutes for Rex Grossman, who had been cast off by the Bears who haven’t had a decent quarterback since…never.  Grossman had then been discarded by several other teams in a league desperate for any sniff of an average quarterback before landing smack dab in the middle of a critical game where he promptly fumbled.  So the questions for the coach that day were predictable.

 “What on God’s green earth could possibly have possessed you to pull your star quarterback at a critical time in your season in favor of Rex Grossman?”

“Well Donovan’s ankle was hurting.”

“Donovan said his ankle was fine and he was ready to go back in.”

“Well…umm…we thought Rex gave us a better chance to score on that particular drive?”

“Have you ever seen Rex Grossman play?”

“Not really.  I caught this one throw he made in practice out of the corner of my eye though.”

“With all due respect coach, Grossman sucks.”

“Well one of my coaches told me he had a great game against Detroit in ’06.”

“Seriously coach.  Why?”

“Look.  I don’t like to give too much information out at these press conferences.  It gives the other team an advantage.  Why do you guys give me so much shit?  Belicheat never says anything and I don’t see you giving him the third degree.”

Coach Shanahan is approached by a representative who whispers to him.

“Sir, NFL rules require you to answer all questions honestly and in detail.”

“Screw that.”

“They can fine you up to $25,000.  Sir.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.  What was the question?”

“Why go with Grossman?”

“Well I watched him from behind while he was showering. I noticed that his ass had a sort of dome shape to it.  Very pleasing.  And Donovan’s sort of jiggled when he walked.  Like pudding, but not the smooth banana pudding you get out of the cup at the store.  More like tapioca, or even rice.  Kind of lumpy and pock marked.  Very Cutler-esque, though Cutlers never had the sheer girth of Donovans.”

        Shanahan is to blame.  Mcnabb didn’t sell food for Lean.  He sold for Chunky.  Chunky is what Donavan is.  To quote one of the great African poets of our generation, “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” Surely Shanahan did the Macarena to that Sir Mix A Lot video before he decided to bet the franchise on Donavan.  It’s really not fair to blame Donovan for anything.  Shanahan should try to run with his thighs rubbing together.  I can’t remember the coefficient of friction, but I know it slows you down.  If I recall it was C+SCR+BJ=5.40 when C=Chunky Beef Vegetable, SCR=Swiss Cake Rolls, BJ=Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and 5.40=40 time.  It’s really not fair to take him out just because he gets tired jogging out to the huddle.  He only makes $750,000 per game.  That’s about $10,000 per play.   It’s a lot to ask for him to be able to jog “all the way” to the huddle for $10,000.   He’s a star.  He’s a celebrity.  Someone should carry him to the huddle in one of those chairs on sticks like kings used during the Renaissance.  And then he can walk over to the spot where he will take the shotgun snap.

          Shanarat was never really that good.  He inherited one of the great asses in NFL history in John Elway.  One of the few consensus number one picks in NFL history.  And he backstabbed Dan Reeves and earned several large paychecks.  It’s what happened to Gene Chizik at Auburn this year.  “Okay, Cam, umm go back and throw it if someone’s open, if not like run over someone or run around and get about 20 or 30.  Okay…1-2-3 Tigers! ”  He’ll be earning a million a year for the next 5 years.  His lack of knowledge of cover two, his wide receiver’s propensity to smoke weed and his poor clock management are rendered moot.  That’s Mike Shanarat.

        In the end Shanarat gets what he deserves.  He has no idea what the ramifications are of a buttocks with a left cheek that is slightly larger than the right cheek, much less one where a right cheek is significantly larger than the left, which creates a whole host of obvious issues. Rumor has it that Fat Albert Haynesworth actually had a rash on the lower side of his left cheek and now the Skins are upset that he is lazy?   Steve Spurrier hardly has a bum.  Deangelo Hall’s has hair on it. And Shanarat’s is wrinkled and smells of elderberry lotion.   If Dan Snyder knew what kind of ass Shanarat was…has…I mean has, he would never have hired him.  But Snyder has surrounded himself with an organization full of bad asses.  He can’t be blamed for being absolutely inept in running his billion dollar organization.  He was filming that NFL commercial with his trophy wife when the Skins hired Shanarat.  I’m sure of it.