Tim Tebow is still a virgin.  Vegas is giving even odds on him rectifying this situation on his honeymoon or when he meets Snookie, whichever comes first.


What Would Tebow Do? or What? Wow!-TD

There are a few seminal events in the history of our planet.   March 18, 10,547 B.C.: the day the meteor hit the earth.  November 29, 1340 B.C.: The day they placed the capstone on Khufu’s pyramid.  December 25, 340: the day Saint Nicholas of Myra placed gifts outside the doors of his townspeople. December 7, 1941: a day that will live in infamy.  August 6, 1945: another day that will live in infamy.   October 14, 1962: Cuban Missile Crisis enters the American lexicon.  November 22, 1963:  the day they killed a Kennedy.  July 21, 1969:  the day a Kennedy alleges he did not kill anyone.  November 21, 1980:  the day we found out Who Shot J.R.? What was her name again?   February 23, 1997: Cuban Missile Enters an Intern Crisis. 

One of the most heralded “events” in world history begins October 23, 2011,  somewhere south of South Beach in Miami.   We have studied the Mayan calendar in depth and determined that October 23, 2011 is the coming of the messiah and the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine).   Please give up all of your worldly possessions including your 1954 Hank Aaron rookie card and those Polaroids of your girlfriend.  Go to your nearest bank and tell them you need to make a deposit in “The Matriculator” account and they’ll know what to do with it.

Although the messiah will be in their temple, the Dolphins have chosen not to light candles or speak in tongues on October 23. The return of the king should warrant some type of acknowledgement.  Some type of fanfare. It should get a higher Nielsen Rating than the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Saturday afternoon showing at a minimum.  Instead, the Dolphins will honor the Florida Gators National Championship Team in a joint effort with the Florida Prison Release Program. The Dolphins have now proven beyond a reasonable doubt what we always thought to be gospel, that football is the “true” religion of the South. 

We think the Dolphins scheduled this “special day” on purpose after the Broncos tried to hold the Dolphins hostage with Kyle Orton of all people.  He’s no messiah, I can guarantee you that.  He’s probably not even a deacon. There were two fables the media reported as to why the Orton to Miami trade never happened.  One was that Orton wanted too much for his contract extension.  If that’s true he made a tremendous error in judgment.  He better save the money he makes in 2011 because he won’t get that in 2012 backing up Andy Dalton in Cincinnati.  And more importantly, can you imagine going in front of St. Peter as the guy who kept the messiah on the bench?  Jesus said you needed to gouge out your own eye if you look lustfully at another woman.  (I’m trying to get my friends to start gouging but instead they have chosen not to follow Jesus' word and claim instead, “We’re all sinners.”).  What would the messiah make you do for taking his starting spot?  Tonya Harding might get a reprieve.

The other fable that we read was that the Broncos decided that they wanted an additional draft pick after the final piece of the off-season quarterback puzzle, Kevin Kolb (remember what a hot commodity he was 6 weeks ago!), signed with the Cardinals.  The Broncos are now hoping that the Gator fans cheer more for Tebow than Matt Moore, and they probably will.  The Broncos better enjoy it while it lasts because that and Orton’s $8 million salary are all they got.  Watching the Dolphins and Broncos spar is the NFL version of Dummerer and Dummerest.  It’s handbags at five paces. It’s like a wrestling match between mimes.

Most of the jabber jockey’s have indicated that Tebow will be a glorious train wreck.  They say one of college football’s all time greatest passers can’t pass in the pros.   And they’re correct.   The long wind-up and the inability to read defenses will be a problem for Tebow.  They say he needs to switch positions and that he will be a major flop at quarterback.  They’re dead wrong on that one.   If you’re expecting the next pretty little pocket passer you’ll be disappointed.  If you’re looking for a quarterback who will win games for a very bad team, you’ve found your guy.  There are going to be some throws that make you think of handgrenade practice at Paris Island. There will be some silly scrambles that remind you of a Laurel and Hardy routine. But the Broncos will win more with Tebow than they did with Orton’s tight spiral.  Remember Mike Vick and his inability to complete a high percentage of passes for the Falcons?  The Falcons were a team bereft of talent and he took them into Green Bay and won a playoff game.  It was the first time the Packers had lost a playoff game at home in about 30 years.  We harp on it here at Matriculator headquarters, but most people somehow mistake being a good pocket passer for being a good quarterback.  It’s not the same thing.  And never underestimate the intangibles.  If the players are inspired, the team is going to win more games.  That won’t show up in Tebow’s completion percentage. 

Tebow’s genuinely a nice guy.  He’s a great ambassador for football, but he needs to take a page from our founding fathers and separate church and Hail Marys.  They don’t go together.  And God doesn’t care whether the Broncos win or Tebow makes the Pro Bowl.  See, The Matriculator Finds God on Toomer’s Corner. He needs to drop the Flash Gordon Savior of the Universe routine.  That has turned off a number of teammates and media types.  They aren’t trying to sell him on their Buddha and he needs to learn that there is a time and place for him to talk about Baby Jesus, and it’s not in the locker room of the Superdome after a 20 point loss, though they might tolerate a little Lord's Prayer after a win.  

Solid NFL quarterbacks have a completion percentage of 60-65%.  Tebow will probably be closer to 55%.  He’ll have games where he looks lost.  He’ll make bad decisions on a regular basis.  But he’ll also win some games.   And some fans will boo him.  And some fans will look to the heavens when he wins as if it is a miracle of the highest order that a guy with a throwing motion on par with Charles Barkley’s golf swing could ever win a pro football game.  It's sandwiched in the miracle spectrum somewhere between the resurrection and the parting of the Red Sea. 

The Tebow era is one of the most devisive, if not decisive, moments in the history of the world.  We’ve created a t-shirt that says, “Go ahead, drink the Gatorade.”  We offered to partner with Gatorade for the big event.  We’ve already trademarked the names Gatornide and Cyanade.  We haven’t heard back yet. 

On Sunday I’ll be watching the game along with my father, my son and the Holy Ghost.  And while I'm watching I’ll be wondering, What Will Tebow Do?  And I’ll probably also be saying, What?  Wow!- Touchdown.  WWTD.