Former Vikings running back Ed Marinaro played a supporting character on Laverne and Shirley. In a major Hollywood upset, Marinaro was not cast as The Big Ragu.

Et Tu, Bradshaw?

 

           "Ich denke dass Hitler ein netter Mann, vor allem gegenuber de Juden ist.”  There are some mistakes you make in your career that you can recover from.  Being convicted of securities fraud, for example, won’t stop you from becoming America’s homemaker and a bazillionare.  A conviction for electrocuting and hanging pitbulls is rehabable. Now if it had been a Yorky or a Poodle.... Misspelling potato or boinking an intern in the oval office (and then lying about it) is not a barrier to being the President of the United States.  But there are a few things that you can do that not even your daddy, the owner of the company, can save you from.  There are some actions that are just so bad, so daft, and so unexplainable, that you have to go.  “I think he’d be a great boy scout leader.  He’s a former Catholic Priest.”  You know, that sort of thing. I'm planning my own TV show for next fall and there should be some high visibility talent available for me to utilize.

            Mike Mayock will surely be canned by the NFL network.  He has to be.  Mayock uttered the unthinkable on March 11 saying that Cam Newton was his 21st ranked player in the draft and labeling him “a developmental prospect.”  You have to have some intellectual baseline to recognize that you’re a moron.  Mayock confirmed he doesn't meet the minimum when he asked the rhetorical question, “Is he a leader of men?”  He didn’t ask that of Jake Locker whose Huskies belly flopped under his leadership. He asked it of the undisputed King Leonidas of college football.  The guy that didn't just lead his underwhelming Auburn troops, he carried them on his back through the Hot Gates. He guided two different schools to national championships over a two year period. Go look up the other player that's done that and get back to us. “I think Ms. Bobbitt would be a great surgical assistant for Dr. Johnson’s vasectomy practice.”  Can’t recover.  You have to be gone.

              Mayock will be a great sidekick for me.  He’s Tonto, and I'll be the Lone Ranger because I still have to wear a mask to conceal my identity.  My mother probably still has my Tonto headband and Mayock's going to have to wear it.  My show will be authentic if nothing else.  When I make my bold predictions Mayock will say, “Umm.  Kemosabe.”    

            Charlie Casserly was fired by the Texans.  Ironically, he was the scapegoat for drafting Mario Williams ahead of Reggie Bush which was the only moment of clarity he’s ever had in his career as a talent evaluator.  I will have Casserly on my show too.  Every show needs a character like him, the sort of court jester type.  Johnny Carson had Ed Mcmahon to beat up on.  Howard Stern had Babbabooey.  “Charley, I think Cam will throw for at least 500 yards in the first two games of the NFL season,” I would say.  “Are you kidding me? He can’t read a children’s book, much less an NFL defense! Har, Har, Har.”   Casserly’s actual statement was, “I wouldn’t take the guy in the first round.  I think he’s a project.”  Casserly actually meant, “I wouldn’t take the guy in the first round.  He’s from the projects,” but he sometimes struggles to put words together. He's just not that smart, kind of like people from the projects.

           Terry Bradshaw is a like a character from a Mark Twain novel.  He's the gapped toothed huckleberry you just can't help but like because he's so simple minded.  He's endearing.  He'll be on my show too. When I say something, the coup de gras statement of the day, the camera will cut to Bradshaw.  He won't have any make-up on so that you can see his freckles.  He'll have his hair (that's singular) gelled straight up and say, "Aw shucks Mr. Matriculator." TB, as they call him, said about Newton a few days before the season started, "I didn't like him in college."  Of course he didn't.  Who would like the greatest player in the history of college football?  It's absurd really.  He also said that Jake Locker, Blaine Gabbert and Christian Ponder "are far ahead of Newton as far as being an NFL quarterback."  Many people have mocked Bradshaw's lack of intelligence.  That's really not fair, nor is it politically correct.  Don't forget Bradshaw had a substance abuse problem.  He admitted that he used steroids when he played. (Is there an asterisk next to those Super Bowl titles yet?) Substance abuse is a disease people.  Arnold Schwartzenegger had the disease too.  He couldn't help it.  You don't make fun of cancer survivors, so don't make fun of Bradshaw's Hans and Franz-like brain. Mayock, Bradshaw and Casserly (among most other football pundits) simply forgot to study or were incapable of understanding the classics like Newton's Law.  This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.

           Cam Newton has had the greatest start to an NFL career of any player at any position in NFL history, throwing for over 800 yards and throwing and running for 5 touchdowns (with two more called back). It's only two games, but that doesn't matter. People say that Cam’s 0-2.  It’s all about wins and losses.  By that measure Jay Fiedler, not Dan Marino, was the Dolphins greatest quarterback.  “He’s 0-2.”  “Yeah, and he came from the spread.”  Is this Bevis and Butthead?  It's professional courtesy for dunces.

            Remember when Marcus Brutus and the other senator's stabbed their boss Julius Caesar?  That was a career move they just shouldn't have recovered from, but they did.  Everyone thinks that when Caeser uttered the famous, "Et tu Brute?" that translated to, "You too Brutus?"   It didn't.  It meant, "You're fired you sorry, back stabbing son of a bitch."  Fortunately for Shakespeare, Caesar bled out before he could sign the pink slip.  Unless the Three Stooges pull an Et tu Brute on Cam Newton, they will be joining The Matriculator and Krista Show next fall. We've already come up with our theme song.  It goes something like, "Give us any chance we'll take it.  Give us any rule we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true.  Doin' it our way!"  Catchy huh?