What business of yours is it where I'm from, friendo?   Anton Chigurh

Mexicans Don’t Make Mercedes: Ode to Super Bowl XLVI


            The Nielson ratings are going to have a big uptick on February 5.  This will undoubtedly be the most watched Super Bowl in the history of the world. Even the Polocks will be watching. They should rename it the Nielski Ratings, if only for a day. Poland has never caught Superbowl fever until now. Not only is a Gronkowski featured, there is also a Gostkowski in case there were some polish fence sitters.  What do you call a polish fence sitter?  Me neither. They have been producing Gronkowski jerseys by the millions in Krakow and although the name is always miss-spelled [sic], they are still flying off of shelves.

           One time I went into this bar and there were two Mexicans and a Polock.  The Polock says to the Mexicans, “Are yous guys related to that most interesting man in the world guy?”  They said, “Que?” (I know that Que? is improper grammatically, but my racist keyboard makers didn’t create the upside down question mark used in Spanish. However, they did eat some chalupas last night.)  He said, “Speaky English?”  They said, “You speaky English?” and laughed.  One looked at the other guy and said in broken English, “Why are Polocks buried with their butts sticking out of the ground?  So their relatives have a place to park their bike when they come to visit.” They clanked their Corona’s and headed back to their job bussing tables.  Poor Polocks.  You know it’s bad when the Mexicans are making fun of you.

            Mexicans Victor Cruz, Aaron Hernandez and Chad Ochocinco will be the focus of this year’s Superbowl.  Ever since the United States government failed in its mandate to keep undesirables out, Mexicans like this have been taking our jobs.  I would be on the cover of Sports Illustarted this week with the caption, "US Citizens Eli Manning and the Matriculator Ready for Super Bowl XLVI," if my government hadn't failed me. I would no doubt be talking to my Russian girlfriend on my secret phone in between takes of the team's video, "Drunken Stupor Ho Shuffle." All of this would be mine were it not for these unwanted little chupacabras. Of course I’d be living in a tent because there would never have been a housing boom.  But I would be parking a sweet Mercedes 500 SL next to my shack, just like the Mexicans do.  Mexicans don’t make Mercedes.

            Even though the Superbowl is being overrun by Mexicans like a barbed wire fence in South Texas, there will be a battle in Mexico City for viewers because a minor league soccer match is being played the day of the Super Bowl.  The Mexicans, it seems, would rather watch a gaggle of tiny Hobbit-like bean eaters run around a smog covered vacant lot than be inundated like Alex Delarge for 4 hours by a bunch of corporate gringos.  There is a secret government plan to subliminally insert a Chiclet in the first ad. That'll keep 'em watching. Nobel Prize winning author Gabriel Garcia-Marquez released his latest novel Football in the Time of Cholera to spur interest in the Latin American community.  It's not working.

            To say the Patriots and their injured Polock are outmanned, would be a ridiculous understatement.  But never underestimate Belicheat’s ability to cheat.  He’s done it in Super Bowl’s past and lives by the old adage if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’. Rumor has it that the Senator from Massachusetts, Romney’s his name I think, has authorized a US satellite to beam images of Giants’ practices directly to Belicheat’s I-Pad.  Says it’s authorized under the Patriot Act. Romney was recently asked why he only paid 14% in income taxes while earning $21 million dollars and the Mexican janitor who made $34,000 paid 25% and he said, “Cause he’s a ******** Mexican. I piss on the floor and he cleans it up.  Haven’t you ever heard of trickle-down economics? Been working great for me.”  He makes a valid point.

           With Gronk injured, the only high quality players on the field for Los Patriotas are Brady, Welker, Wilfork and the Mexican. While Brady in his early years was as good a clutch quarterback as has ever played, he hasn’t even been average in big games since he married the supermodel.  And no man shall fault him for being distracted by Giselle and her progeny.  When the pressure has been on (see last week’s Ravens game) he’s been more of a pants wetter, a pisser, than a passer.

           The match-up is perfect for the Giants.  The Patriots strength on offense is their offensive line.  The Giants can rush four against anyone and get to the pisser.  The Patriots defense is not very good.  With the (very large) exception of Vince Wilfork, the Patriots have by far the worst front four in the NFL.  The Giants offensive line is terrible too, but so long as they double Wilfork, Manning should have time.  If he does, the Giants score at will and we will see the first Mexican touchdown in NFL history. That is this week's sign of the apocalypse. The next thing you know they'll be asking to be treated like the white man. Tostitos has been preparing in advance for record setting numbers.  Remember the commercial they've been running with the bag of Tostitos doing his touchdown dance?  That was a foreshadowing.  After the Giants win, they are going to pan over to Victor Cruz who will say, "I'n goeen to Disney Whirl, y yo soy come' Tostitos!" And on the Jumbotron a man with a baritone appears and says, with the perfect hint of an accent, "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis."

            In the land where Tex-Mex originated, three Mexicans and a couple Polocks will square off in the most watched event in the world.  There is no doubt there will be heightened border patrols.  There is already a grainy video on Youtube that shows what appears to be Aaron Hernandez and ICE agent Nicholson with the following exchange:

Heylo officer.

Let me see your driver’s license.

Have I done sonthing wrong?

Of course you have.

What did I do?

You were born, Mexican.

I’m not Mexican, sir, I’m Puerto Rican.

Yeah, tell that to the judge kimosabe.

           The officer takes a long gander at the drivers license.

Are you the Aaron Hernandez?

Yes sir.

Well what a pleasure.  I been telling ol’ Tommy that you ain’t so bad for a Mexican.  Hell you can work on my lawn any damn time you want.

I’m Puerto Rican.

Yeah and I’m Mother Teresa.  Listen, you’re free to go.  Any idea what kind of car Cruz drives?  I’ve got money on you guys.

           People will be cheering for Mexicans (and then telling them to hurry up with the next pitcher) and cackling when Gronkowski catches a pass and runs the wrong way.  “Look at the Polock go!”  “Yeah and the Mexicans are running too!  Must be an immigration officer around!”  

            President Obama plans to make a splash immediately following the Superbowl, but only if a Mexican scores a touchdown and redeems his race from the infamy of the Alamo.  He will announce that all Mexicans, and a few selected Puerto Ricans, Dominicans and Cubans, will be granted full American Citizenship.  His plan to liberate illegals in America is code named Nacho Libre.  No word yet on whether African-American wide receivers who change their name to become "more Mexican" will be granted citizenship.


Copa de Mundial Finalmente: Los Gigantes 31- Los Patriotas 23.

P.S. Angry African-Americans continue to erroneously refer to Chad Ochocinco as an Uncle Tom.  He's not.  He's an Uncle Rico.......Suave. 

P.S. 2:  We understand that not everyone will understand that this is an anti-racism piece.  Satire can be tough to comprehend. Keep in mind Jonathan Swift didn't really believe that wealthy Irish folk should eat poor Irish children for dinner either.