"I am convinced that God does not play dice."  Albert Einstein

The Matriculator Finds God at Toomer’s Corner


                Some say he was dressed in Auburn blue.  Others said it was orange.  One person saw him with an AU hat with the bright orange hair.  Another said he had one of those big foam fingers.  Everyone was in agreement that he carried a handful of toilet paper and was clearly capable of throwing it higher than even Cam Newton.  Cam Newton thanked God a number of times after winning the National Championship.  Gene Chizik did the same, indicating, “I just want to thank the Good Lord for this.” [1]

          Lamichael James, Oregon’s star tailback, got some really bad news after a 7-yard scamper where he was pushed out of bounds on the Auburn sideline.  One of the Auburn players yelled, “Get you some of that boy!”  James replied, “You can’t stop me.  You can’t stop me!”  What appeared to be an assistant, a tall figure with mirrored sunglasses and an Auburn cap pulled low said, very calmly, “Go to hell Lamichael James.”  It was God.  James ran to the Oregon sidelines in tears.  When the trainer’s asked him what was wrong they couldn’t understand his garbled response.  Finally, he was able to mumble to the shocked training staff, “It’s God!  He wants Auburn to win.  And he’s sending me to hell!”   The head trainer responded, “I think we can give you a cortisone injection and you’ll be fine.”  James never returned to the game.

          James won’t be alone in hell.  You never hear the losing team thank God in the post-game interview do you?  We used to think the Olmecs and Romans were crazy when they played those games where the participants got beheaded or fed to lions if they lost.  Mere child’s play compared to the losers of the Cheddar Explosion Bowl.  I mean this is a whole life of getting flayed every day, for eternity, which they say lasts only slightly longer than the Fiesta Bowl pre-game.  Shouldn’t the ESPN analysts make a bigger deal about that?  I heard one guy say, “He may not give his best effort, because he doesn’t want to get hurt before the NFL draft.”  For crying out loud, have we become so shortsighted and greedy and that we would be concerned over our draft status while watching eternity go up in flames?

          TIVO is a wonderful thing.  You can see things in slow motion and watch them over and over again.  The inventor probably didn’t know TIVO would aid in the discovery of God, but it certainly did.  Most people don’t know how to get the most out of TIVO, but I'll let you in on a little secret. If you pause the action and hit that little red button (if God or the Devil happen to be in attendance) they will appear in the frame.  God has a great sense of humor, I can tell you that much.   There was one 3rd and 9 where Newton tucked it and ran up the middle.  He was clearly not going to make the first down.  That’s where God stepped in.  Really.  I hit the red button and saw it.  He was standing just to the left of the free safety with one of those big yellow road signs pointing to the right.  Newton, displaying what seemed to the live viewer as otherworldly vision, planted, cut to the right and dove for the first down.  Now you see why he thanked God.  God was laughing and wore a “Ducks Suck” t-shirt.  But that’s not the half of it.  God was a woman.  A 32-28-32.[2]  I wouldn’t lie about this because I know what she did to Lamichael James.  You know that whole woman scorned thing.  I can't confirm it, but I'm betting it was some latin lover named Rico that was responsible for the creation of hell.

          If you don’t know how to use the red button, you undoubtedly missed the play of the game.   It was third and one and Oregon went for a quarterback keeper.  You may have noticed that after the play the referee set the ball down, moved it forward across the first down marker and then moved it back.  What you didn’t see was God and the Devil going at it.  At first the Devil had his red horned devil head removed (he was dressed as a devil mascot of course) and he was this overweight grey haired guy who looked remarkably like Dick Cheney.  After the play, God immediately threw her God-mascot head on and they went at it.   I love mascot fights.  God obviously prevailed and gently nudged the referee’s arm to re-spot the ball.  Those who felt that the referee only did it because he had bet on the game were only half right.

          It was interesting to note that none of the Auburn family credited Jesus in their victory.  It is readily apparent that God has taken back the reigns of the family business.  She’s the Donna again.  The Godmother.   In prior seasons God had been a fan of Alabama, LSU, USC, and Florida, to name a few.  In fact, every year it seems that God is a fan of the team that wins, which is very disconcerting.  It should now be apparent to all God fearing people that God is a fair weather fan.  I knew there was something fishy about that girl and it should have been obvious a long time ago since every God fearing person has a big fish on the back of their car.  But I still like her.


[1] I suppose he’s the Good Lord unless you’re going to hell, then he’s the Bad Lord, which is good news for the futures of Chizik, Newton, and the rest of the War Eagle Tiger family.

[2] And she wore a little make-up too. Mary Kay Age Defying II and Maybelline Extra Thick Lash Enhancer.  Her purse was a Gucci and her skirt was by Couture.  I couldn’t tell on the shoes, but they were definitely pumps.

January 11, 2011