Buccaneers cornerback Aqib Talib reportedly said, "I'm fixin' to get medieval on your ass", before shooting at his mother's boyfriend.

Jerramy Spoke in Class Today

            Jerramy Stevens, recently signed tight end for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, spoke at Hillsborough High School in Tampa today as part of his community service work.  I was fortunate enough to be there for his stirring, heartfelt answers to Mrs. Crabtree’s senior class of honor students.  Below is the transcript.

            “Class we are privileged today to have NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens as our special guest.   He has recently signed a contract with our local foosball team, The Suckabeers , or whatever they’re called.  I am confident that Jerramy will fit right in.”

            “Last season he had thirty nine catches, including 4 touchdowns and  for a third straight season he caught a venereal disease.  Was it crabs this year Jerramy?” 

            “Yes ma’am.  I like shrimp cocktail too and Long John Silvers,” he said as he looked up while texting the woman he had assaulted the night before.

            “Jerramy also has two hit and runs, he’s been pulled over four times for driving while under the influence, kicked a man in the face, punched holes in school walls and raped a Freshman girl at the University of Washington.  Other than that, he has been a model citizen.  Let’s hear it for Jerramy.”  (Clapping).

            “Thank you.  Now what am I doing here again?”

            “You’re going to answer some questions for our class Jerramy.”

            “Okay.  But I don’t have to tell the truth do I?”

            “Yes Jerramy.  The Judge’s Order says it right here.  Otherwise they will threaten to take you to jail until they realize you’re an NFL player and then there will be a mysterious lack of sufficient evidence.  You’ve heard that phrase before haven’t you?”

            “Yes Ma’am.  That’s my favorite quote.  I had a plaque specially made for my crib that says, “Lack of Evidence.”

            “You live in a crib do you?”

            “Yes ma’am.  A big one.”

            “Well isn’t that special?”

            “Okay class, go ahead.”

            “Mr. Stevens.  I’m interested in history.  Could you tell me who your favorite historical figure was?”

            “That’s easy.  Henry VIII.”

            “Did you like his style of ruling?”

            “Yeah.  Trav’s got eight kids by eight different women.  That’s my boy right there.”

            “I wouldn’t call him a historical figure would you.”

            “Yeah he got cut by the Broncos today.  Are you sure these kids are advanced?”

            “I understand you were a great athlete in high school.  Why did you choose football over the other sports?”

            “Well that time I used the baseball bat on that guy in the park, it kind of cracked my bat.  And then I had to serve a few months so I decided against baseball.  Same thing with soccer.  When I kicked him in the head and he had to drink through a straw, it left a bad taste in my mouth.  Get it, straw, taste in my mouth.  Man, I’m gonna go into writin’ after I retire.”

            “You went to school in Lacey.  How was that?”

            “It was great!  Was that the one at the frat house or in the back seat of my car?”

            “You threatened referees after a basketball game one time.  Do you have an explanation for this?”

            “Yeah, they ejected me for being too aggressive.  What was I supposed to do?  Damn you got some thick heads in here.”

            “Scott Lendahand, the current coach of the St. Louis Rams wrote to the judge after you kicked a comatose person that you had beaten with a baseball bat and said this was an isolated incident.  What do you think he meant and was he correct?”

            “I think he meant these types of events were isolated to me.  He was correct because every time I do something stupid I’m involved.  So they are isolated to me.  He was correct.”

            “One of your high school teachers said that she saw you defend a kid with a speech impediment and that you had a gentle side.  Do you agree with that and what would your gentle side be?”

            “Oh yeah.  Studddering Stannnley Simmmmmpson.  I don’t know what that teacher was talking about because I wasn’t very gentle with her.  She was an athlete groupie.  My gentle side would be my gluteus maximus.  You know my ass.  I’ve never sat on a disabled child with it or anything and you can’t really swing a bat with it, you know what I mean?”

            “I’m going to college soon and I was wondering how you handled all of the schoolwork.  Did you spend a lot of time in the books?”

            “Well I spent some time on them.  That time I crashed my truck into the nursing home and knocked a dresser onto a sleeping 92 year old woman I had to use my books under my truck tires to back out so I could get away before anyone got my license.  That was a good use of my school books.”

            “If you could describe your running style in one word, what would it be?”

            “Hit and Run.”

            “That’s three words.”

            “Stand up you little punk and I’ll show you without saying a $%*&#@ word you little *&%$#.”

            “Jerramy.  Please now.”

            “Sorry.”

            “If you had to pick one drive as your favorite, what would it be?”

            “Probably that time when I had been drinking Wild Turkey and punched my girlfriend in the face on Route 66.  I ran over a baby’s stroller and clipped a few cars before I got home and assaulted the maid and then passed out on the couch.  What was the question again?”

            “What did you spend your signing bonus on?”

            “The settlement for that Freshman girl who said I raped her.”

            “I know that you are very intense on the football field.  Do you think you play with conviction?”

            “Yes, several.”

            “Jerramy I want to be a poet and I read that poem you wrote to that girl at the University of Washington.  It was sort of dark, calling her a “Whore” and saying some of those other things.  Would you call that your style, dark?”

            “Yes.  I submitted that one for a poetry competition.  I haven’t heard back yet.”

            “Okay class.  That’s enough of Jerramy.  If you want to see more of Jerramy you can go to Raymond James Stadium this fall.  Just don’t ask him for an autograph after the game because you will likely be assaulted.  Next week we have Suckabeers General Manager Bruce Allen who will answer questions about why he thinks an alleged rapist, hit and run, drunk ‘is a good young man.’  Our first question will be whether he wants to send his daughter to school with Mr. Stevens son.”

            “Thank you Ms. Crabtree.  You don’t know how worried I was that I was going to come across as a dumb athlete.  You know all those big words you used were really sexy.  Do they have a dumpster behind the school?  I was thinking maybe...you know.”

            “Class dismissed!”

May 1, 2007