When Brett Favre was a Jet he showed his to Jenn Sterger.

If You Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine

            I remember the first time a girl said to me, “If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.”  I was nine years old and living on Pansy Drive in Miramar, Florida.  No joke, Pansy Drive.  She was this chubby girl with black curly hair named Michelle Somethingstein.  She always had a runny nose and her daily nutrients were derived from Doritos or Cheetos, to the extent any deriving was possible.  She always had that glowing orange stain on her teeth or fingers or pant leg.  So naturally when she asked one day while I was at her house plundering her little brother’s baseball card collection in trade, I told her to wait until I had the 1973 Roberto Clemente card and then I’d come to her room.  Within minutes I had the ’73 Clemente and  a sweet ’75 Johnny Bench for a 1968 Joe Nuxhall, which I assured  little Jaret was much more valuable than the two he had traded me because Nuxhall first pitched in the bigs when he was 16.  Oh the joy.  Gorgeousness and gorgeousity in the form a cardboard rectangle.  I confidently strode into Michelle’s room and told her to go ahead and show me and she did and I was out the door like a shot.  I dropped my Davey Lopes rookie card and didn’t even stop to pick it up!  Mark Snatchez apparently still likes playing those games and there’s nothing wrong with that.  He needs a little more time to grow up.  He is from USC after all, and they're not really "adults" until around age 35, after they've spent Jerry Jones' or Daniel Snyder's or Two Bird Adams' millions.

            Nobody really knows what happened between Mark Snatchez and the girl that accused him of rape when he was a 19 year old Freshman at USC.  Nobody knows what he was doing hanging out and texting a high school girl last month as reported on Deadspin.  My guess is that they played Chutes and Ladders and then her momma came and picked her up and she was at Ridgemont High the next morning in time to say, “Oh my God, it was like, sooo wild, I mean he’s got this Barbie Doll House and the Ken Doll has a real diamond ring.  It was like, ca-razy.” 

            Some 17 year old girl has hired the “alleged” best attorney in the United States, Richard Kendall, to sue The Matriculator or anyone else that reports the story that I am now reporting.  This Kendall character supposedly represented “The Phillipines” against the Marcos’ family.  He actually included that in his bio like it was some accomplishment to convince someone that the Marcos’ family was corrupt. Great work there Vinny Gambini.  That makes shooting fish in a barrel seem like brain surgery.  Rumor has it that he got Imelda Marcos to admit, “I didn’t have 3000 pairs of shoes, I only had 1,060.”  As reparations he got Imelda to give the Phillipine government a pair of Keds and a set of black pumps with a broken heel.  Well The Matriculator is reporting it because we are the best site in the country and we’re not going to let no hotshot lawyer prevent us from reporting whatever needs to be reported.  Bring it on Tricky Dick Kendall.  Dr. Gonzo awaits.  “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.”  I believe I have digressed slightly from my story about Mark Snatchez and the 2011 Jets Plane Crash that will be broadcast live beginning in September.  Forgive me, O my Sisters and Brothers.

             Back to the important issue of what song Snatchez insisted on listening to when he was talking to an 18 year old girl, not Tricky Dick’s client, but one who had been held back a year.  Ha, Ha. I shall taunt you a second time anyway.  She wanted to listen to Katy Perry, but he insisted: “Do you like Miley Cyrus?  I’ve been a big fan of hers since her 2007 album, Meet Miley Cyrus.  Before that, I really didn’t understand any of her work.  Too Artsy.  Too intellectual.”  They agreed to alternate “California Girls” and “Butterfly Fly Away.”  As the night was coming to a close, Snatchez was hyped up on Root Beer (he reportedly had three Barq’s in only two hours) and pontificated: “Butterfly Fly Away was undisputedly Miley Cyrus’s masterpiece.  It’s an epic meditation on intangibility, and at the same time it deepens and enriches the meaning of her previous songs.” 

            The Jets have the Gremlin sitting on the wing of their plane, like that 60’s Twilight Zone Episode.  You’re happy enough with the stale pretzels, but it’s never good when a Gremlin starts smiling at you at 20,000 feet.  Trust me.  The sucker is going down.  And Kate and Juliet and Sun aren’t going to be laying on the beach of a deserted island in tank tops, though Jenn Sterger may be.  Smokedoobio Holmes, Brickhands Edwards, Antonio Cromagnon, and Vernon Ghoulston may all hop Oceanic 815 and see if they can land that thing on the retractable roof at Lucas Oil Field.  Not even the Red Baron could pull that one off.

            The Matriculator has predicted the 2011 Jets Plane Crash.  They will sign Antonio Cromagnon and the over/under on the Jets will probably be 10.  I’m telling you now, whatever it is, take the under.  Snatchez will be in Miami in December staring down Cameron Wake and imploring his 330 pound Jabba the Huts, "But I am a real boy."  And the Cheerleader Toni Sparano will call to the sound guy, “Play Butterfly Fly Away.”  The Jabba’s will give Snatchez that sideways look, Reflexology Ryan will sneak a glance at the water girl’s feet and the Dolphins will win. Mayday, Mayday!

 February 13, 2011