"There's no fighting in the war room."  Dr. Strangelove.

Eagles-Vikings Game Postponed By Nation of Wussies


    The Eagles-Vikings game was postponed by the NFL because it was too cold.  The Governor of Pennsylvania, a season ticket holder, was not happy.  He summed up the current state of the union when he said, “We are a nation of wussies.”  He didn’t stop there.  He said the Chinese were kicking our butts and would have walked to the game in the snow while doing calculus.  That’s pretty racist, obviously playing on the stereotype that all Asians are good at math.  Didn’t Jimmy the Greek get fired for making the ridiculous statement that the average African American was more athletic than the average white guy?    It’s like saying most Christians believe in Jesus, or Buddhists believe in Buddha.  Ridiculous really.  But he won’t get fired.  He’s certainly qualified to lead a nation of wussies. All you have to do to qualify is have an (R) or (D) next to your name to get elected nowadays.   “Who’s this Hitler guy?  Oh, he’s got our letter next to his name, so I can just check the box.”   Now if The Governor was in China, he’d be undergoing some water torture for making such insensitive statements.  China is a real country.  It would never let a clown like that pose on The Great Wall.  Plus, word has it that the Guvnuh doesn’t like General Tso’s Chicken but likes women who say, “Me luh you rong time.  Fi dollar, me luh you rong time.”

         In other news, the NFL has announced that next year the referees will carry pink hankies instead of yellow flags.  Mike Perrera, the former head of officials who the NFL now pays to confirm whatever bogus call the refs make on the field, confirmed that they are to be referred to as Pink Puffies.  If the player whose rights have been violated by an infraction is upset, he is encouraged to express his feelings by crying.  Post-game mediation will be required instead of post-game interviews. The Pink Puffies are to be used by the player to wipe his tears and blow his nose.  Referees have been sternly instructed not to reuse the Puffies more than once.  Players are encouraged to sign the Puffies[1] and donate them to their favorite charity.

          The NFL will also require each stadium to play “Do you really want to hurt me?” at least twice a game.  Violations of this will cause Roger Goodell to cry.  The executive committee discussed requiring the playing of YMCA before realizing that it was already played too much.  Instead, they settled on requiring the video of The Village People dancing in their uniforms be shown on the big board while the players make the letters with their arms.

          Cleats are no longer permitted because they are “destructive to the local grasses”.   Ray Lewis and James Harrison are both required to ask the player they guide to daisies whether he wants him to kiss his booboo.   Finally, there will be no score kept.  After all, we’re all winners in the land of wussies.



[1] As part of their offseason sensitivity training program they will be instructed not to sign on the dried snot.   January 2, 2011