If you stuck two large black bolts into either side of Peyton's neck she'd be a dead ringer for the Frankenstein monster.  And probably dead too.

Drop Dead, Diva

           If we've received one e-mail we've received a hundred from Dolphins' fans, Browns' fans, Cardinals' fans, sea fans, fart fans, fantasia and just about everyone in the good ol' US of A about how they want The Diva herself, Peyton.  She is "6'5" with a laser rocket arm" as she said on one of the commercials that showed her comedic side. She's like the really good looking chick that you marry and realize she's a fish (oh please don't let that become a play on words) and an Ice Princess and you have a hard time remembering the good times now that she's driving around in your Mercedes with the pool boy.  She's like a Ferrari without an engine.

           The argument that we keep hearing is, "Well it will be worth it to win a Super Bowl.  Wouldn't you mortgage the future for a Super Bowl ring?"  The answer to that question is, generally, "Yes."  The problem is that you have to go with the odds, and the odds are that you have a better chance of winning a championship with just about anybody else.  Manning was one of the brightest regular season stars we have ever seen. (I'm making a certain hand motion now).  Big deal.  She was consistently dominated in the post-season by teams that realized: 1.) She's a Diva; 2) Diva's don't like to get dirty; 3.) Diva's don't like to be touched;  4.) Divas don't care about those around them that don't directly contribute to their Diva status including family, friends and defensive players.  5.) Divas are only interested in those that please them and bring them more notoriety including hair stylists, massage therapists and wide recievers.  Teams would let her throw for ten million yards in the regular season and then blitz her back into the down comforter in her high rise.  What is for sure is that even though her team was the favorite to win the Superbowl on a yearly basis, she'd be home in bed watching Tom Brady or Drew Brees or her little brother while she petted little Chuchu, her $50,000 chihuahua. If you're looking for a quarterback to watch the Super Bowl with you, she's the guy, but she'll charge you handsomely. There is a reason she never gets sacked, and it's certainly not because she has a great offensive line.  At the first sign of pressure she was throwing that thing out of bounds.  And if a defensive player brushed against her she would threaten to beat him with her hand bag.

           If you think you're favorite team is going to win the Super Bowl because of her, play a little game.  Think of your favorite team and let's compare them to the only team the Diva led to the promised land.  Do you have the NFL defensive player of the year at safety?  No?  How about a Hall of Fame pass rusher in his prime with a Pro-Bowler on the other side?  Does your team have a Hall of Fame receiver, maybe two, and one of the NFL's all-time leading rushers, plus a Pro-Bowl tight end?  Sorry, Manning is not getting your team to the Super Bowl. 

           We hate to be so negative all of the time so we feel compelled to throw out the positives.  Here are the top ten things you get if you sign Peyton Manning:

10.  Your team's image will be featured much more often on Sportscenter.

9.    You will get ten wins, all against teams with losing records

8.    You will get to order a Manning jersey with your team and not have to pay that extra fee for a custom jersey.

7.   Peyton will earn a large contract.

6.   Peyton will appear on a lot of billboards.

5.   Peyton will trump her brother, if only until the next Super Bowl.

4.   Peyton will buy a house in your town.

3.   Your team will be in the tank for twenty years because you had to let your male players sign with other teams.

2.   Peyton will get a new pair of shoes with diamonds on the soles.

1.   You will get to see Peyton (and your team) play in one playoff game, once.


             Now aren't we just all glass full today?  Manning is an old guy who wants a massive contract, will wrest control of the offense from the offensive coordinator, take over the team like a kudzu vine, and without an elite offensive arsenal, blame everyone but herself for the teams failures AND probably get hurt anyway.  Manning is a torpedo heading towards your battleship (or cruiser.  Cruiser is probabaly a better description for the interested teams).  She will consume everything in her path.  The fact that she is "highly motivated because she was scorned by the Colts" can't be underestimated but all that's going to buy you is a pissed off Diva. Be careful what you wish for.  If she comes calling in Miami I'm going to buy a billboard right next to the one that says, "6'5", laser rocket arm."  Mine is going to say, "Drop Dead, Diva."