Girlies on stand by, waiting just to say "Hi".  Did ya stop?  Naw i just rolled by.  Poetry courtesy of Vanilla Ice

ARINEM is Slim and Shady (Warning: Explicit Content)

 

            Following in the footsteps of Cam Newton[1], Ryan Mallett (aka ARINEM) has indicated that he wants to be an entertainer and an icon too.  A rapper no less.  A microphone at the Combine picked up a conversation ARINEM had with his agent in which he indicated, “Well flipping Newton gets to do it, why can’t I.  They’re just discriminating against me because I’m a white rapper.” 

        NFL scouts have indicated that ARINEM throws the ball better than any quarterback to come out of college since Dan Marino, but we say ‘Put the tape on, and what does he give you?’  A video has recently surfaced of ARINEM rapping and doing the running man in MC Hammer Genie pants. He raps in impertinent part:

Rollin’ with Tosh 5.0

With my dew rag on, so my hair don’t blow

Kong Suh’s a real stand out

Waiting just to make me pout

Did I stop? Naw, I just rolled out

Kept on

Throwing to the wrong guy

Number 1-8

Detroit cornerback! (Jim Carrey's version is markedly better than ARINEM's)

            One GM, who asked to remain anonymous, said his daughter watched the video and laughed when Mallett grabbed his crotch and tried to moonwalk.  “That was so stone age,” she reportedly cackled.  She didn't know how prophetic she was. The GM went on to state the obvious, “These are areas of concern that will need to be addressed before ARINEM starts spinning it for real.  In spite of his issues though, we think he will be the favorite from this draft class to win the Grammy and MVP in the same season. Newton struggles mightily to remember his lyrics and frequently moves outside of the lead guitarist on stage.  After his last performance he tried to throw his sweaty shirt to Jenn Sterger who was in the front row, only about a first down away.  The shirt sailed over her head and into the hands of Elton John who blushed.  If ARINEM had thrown his shirt, it would have hit Sterger in the chest and she would’ve exploded.  No comparison really.”

            ARINEM has reportedly not been studying playbooks but has been building his band.  Former Raider Skip Thomas, aka Dr. Death, has signed on not because he can beatbox or scratch or break dance, but because he has a fly nickname.  Master P can beatbox and scratch and break dance, but in a bizarre twist he has not been hired to perform any of those functions.  Instead he’s been retained to negotiate ARINEM’s first NFL contract.  “Get me one like Ricky Williams’ first contract, yeeahh.”  Broadway Joe Namath will choreograph the dancers and has a clause in his contract that indicates he “can kiss the dancers whenever the hell I get the urge.”  Prince (being a lifelong Vikings fan) has agreed that if the Vikings draft Mallett he will allow ARINEM to record his own version of Purple Rain entitled Purple Fixin’ to Reign on Yo Damn Head, Biatch.  Dez Bryant will be on guitar.  Bono initially agreed to make a cameo in one of the videos.  He backed out when ARINEM insisted that he call himself Boner.  Janet Jackson wanted one million dollars to sing back-up with the Boobettes.  She said she’d be willing to display her breast, but only the right one since a hundred million people had already seen it anyway. As of the printing of this story she had been offered $100 for a single breast exposure and $500 for a double breast exposure.  That’s what I call collective bargaining.

        The other quarterbacks in the 2011 draft have realized they need to change with the times.  Jake Locker wants to be called The Joker, which is a bad idea.  Colin Kaepernick has formed a band called Semi-White Kaepernickus and the Heliocentric Cosmologists.   Blaine Gabbert is throwing his hat onto the stage, though we think he’ll struggle to muster any real street cred since he has dubbed himself BeeGee.  He certainly is an Andy Gibb look-alike and is reportedly planning to sing, "How Deep is Your Love?" after throwing deep routes at his pro day.  Obviously nobody has told him. Disco’s dead Blaine, disco’s dead.

             The overriding issue (and it’s only a rumor) is not Mallett’s accuracy or the tone of his lyrics.  It’s something far more important than that.  Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, has a new book that is to be released on the eve of the Draft, April 27. It’s called The Life of Ryan and it follows Robert Langdon and Sophie Nuveau on the trail of something more groundbreaking than Jesus’ alleged concubine.  We hired the Patriots Head of Security, Cheating and Shit, Joe Goebbels, who obtained an advance copy of the book.  Robert Langdon learns that Mallett’s father frequently (too frequently to be coincidence) said, “Ryan Jesus Christ,” usually in response to him sneaking cigarettes into his room or taking the Playboy into the bathroom with him.  This sends the two snoops on a wild ride through the heart of the United States.  They break into the Pro Football Hall of Fame to study the portrait of Lance Alworth which bears a striking similarity to the Mona Lisa.  They catch Brett Favre taking a wiz on Aaron Rodger's Super Bowl jersey and are eventually chased out by Deacon Jones who threatens to “club them” like he did Fran Tarkenton. Langdon has a one night stand with a woman in Cleveland who has taken on the name of former Brown’s receiver Fair Hooker. In the final chapter they have made their way to the fifteen yard line at Giants Stadium. The book closes with this:

            Langdon:  Mallett is number fifteen, and we’re on the fifteen yard line at Giants’ Stadium.  I can’t quite make it all fit.

            Nuveau:  Well if you combine that with the Fabonacci Sequence.

            Langdon:  Holy shit Sophie!

            Nuveau:  That’s right Robert.  It wasn’t Jimmy Hoffa who was buried at Giants’ Stadium.  It was Jesus.  And he’s returned as Ryan Mallett!

            If Brown’s theory is proven to be true, this will create some far reaching issues.  Why did Jesus come back as a hard partying, rapper quarterback.  And once his true identity is revealed will he rename himself LL Cool J and rap, "Don't call it a comeback, 'cause I been here for years."  Or will he choose Vanilla Christ.  And if you're the Panthers who do you select with the number one pick in the draft? Jesus certainly has Newton dominated in the intangibles department, but does he know what a cover two shell is?  I've heard of a draft conundrum, but this is ridiculous. 

        The rest of the quarterback class will have some issues of their own.  Should they sell their soul to the devil for a chance at the number one pick?  Tom Condon has advised against it, as has Pete Dye, but Drew Rosenhaus has strongly recommended that Jake Locker go ahead.  Rosenhaus reportedly told Locker, "It's not that bad...trust me."

 

           


 

[1] who wants to be more like Wayne Newton than Nate Newton and apparently has a brain that has gravitated away from Isaac Newton