For a brief time, Captain America had a sidekick.  He was an African-American dressed up as a Falcon.  When he wasn't fighting crime, he was the Atlanta Falcons' mascot.

A Letter to American Hero Mike Freeman

                It is rare that a person who earns a big paycheck decides to give it all up for a worthy cause.   You might expect that the type of person who would do this would be dedicated to Buddha or Jesus or Muhammed.  You might expect them to work for the Red Cross or The Peace Corps.  But it is rarer than a Dodo bird sighting to see the person come from the privileged world of American sports broadcasting. Mike Freeman is a sports columnist at CBS but more importantly, he is a true American Hero.  He is Sir Galahad in shining armor.  A regular modern day Robin Hood.  Pat Tillman had nothing on Mike Freeman.

                Mike Freeman recently wrote an article (that he cleverly crafted in the form of an imaginary letter to players rep De Smith) entitled, “Letter to De Smith: Send Your Lawyers Packing”.  You don’t need to read it.  In fact, please don't.  I’ll summarize the high points for you here.  He says the players need to “dump” their lawyers because they are pushing for the owners to be required to follow the laws that the rest of American businesses (mine included) are required to follow.  They’re called the Federal Anti-Trust laws.  They prevent business from engaging in anti-competitive behavior and unfair business practices.  He’s anti-Anti-Trust laws applying to the NFL.  And his argument is persuasive.  

           He begins the article by duly noting, “While the owners have not always been honest….”   A few paragraphs later he relies upon the opinions of these dishonest people and states that “the owners believe, and I agree, that the lawyers want to push this Anti-Trust lawsuit.”  Imagine the owners badmouthing the lawyers who are fighting for the rights of the players.  Imagine the owners trying to convince the players that they don’t need no stinkin’ lawyers.  If someone with an adverse interest tells you you don’t need a lawyer, turn on Oprah and call the first guy you see.   But American Hero Mike Freeman goes on to explain why this would be terrible.  He has determined that, “The season might be lost….and the sport plunged into chaos.”  Egad, Sir Galahad.  No professional football for an entire year of our Lord.  Oh the humanity.  Probably the same thing would happen that happened in Major League Baseball.  Viewership would drop from 1.5 billion people per year to 1.4 billion because the American people would want to make the sport pay for this disruption of their television viewing pleasure.  This could be so serious that the wait list to get Steelers season tickets might drop from 28 years to 27, or maybe even 26 if Roethlisberger finally ends up in jail.  

                Freeman initially displayed great restraint in his article, but something forced him to drop the NFL atomic bomb.  He said that if the NFL were made to pay for the Anti-Trust violations that they have committed since Notre Dame was winning one for the Gipper, it could cost the NFL owners Billions and the (and here is the A-Bomb), “players would own a part of the NFL.”   Imagine the people who earn the money actually getting a piece of that money.  That’s horribly un-American.  That would certainly be a revolting development for the players, all this business about owning a part of an NFL franchise.  Forget about that.  I don’t want to maximize my income and neither should the players. One time the NFL owners tried to prove to the players that the players were only an incidental part of their “product”.  A replaceable ball bearing in the manufacturing process. They tried that once.  Do you remember watching the replacement games during the strike of 1987?  How much did you pay for your ticket to watch the Spare Bears led by Sean Payton stumble onto Soldier Field?  Me neither.            

            At some point you can tell that American Hero Mike Freeman realizes that his article only makes sense to people without any.  But he is clever.  That’s when he tries to tug on De Smith’s heartstrings.  Or his vanity anyway.  He says that if De fires the lawyers and screws the players gets a new agreement done, they could call the new agreement the: “The CDA: The Collective Demaurice Agreement.”  Gosh, how many years of college does it take to come up with something that crafty?  That sublime?  CDA, Collective Demaurice Agreement.  Get it.  If I only had a brain like that!  Where is the Wizard?  God, why have you forsaken me and allotted me only the meager droppings from the grey matter of American Hero Mike Freeman.  He, the beautiful sky blue parrot, and me, the black and runny stain on the face of a philandering politician from yesterday’s paper.  It’s not fair. 

            Mike Freeman’s point has come across loud and clear.  How selfish the players are for trying to maximize their earning potential.  How cruel they are to have lawyers who fight to make the owners abide by the laws of this great land.   Abiding by laws in the NFL has been blasé since at least 1938.  They need to do what is in the best interest, not of themselves, but of “the game”.   American Hero Mike Freeman posits that they should not attempt to get what they deserve in the free market, but should take what the lying owners tell them is fair.  Why would he say this?  Because it’s in his own self-interest.  He wants to watch football.  And so do I.  It’s in my self-interest because I know the Dolphins would win the Superbowl this year and if they don’t play they can’t win.  The Dolphins’ Superbowl window would be shattered like a helpless pane in a Michael Bay movie and on my death bed I’d be talking about how my life would have been different if only the players had fired their lawyers and let the owners Ron Jeremy on them back in 2011. 

           The big money guys at CBS have already seized on the opportunity.  They contacted world famous Matriculator lawyer Dr. Gonzo to draft a contract for American Hero Mike Freeman to sign.  We obtained a copy, which we are publishing herewith, to demonstrate why Mike Freeman is an American hero.

This IRONCLADIUS CONTRACTUS, is hereby entered into between American Hero Mike Freeman and CBS Sportsline

I, American Hero Mike Freeman, hereby agree to work the rest of my days in the field of sports journalism.  The phrase "sports journalism" is used very loosely in this agreement.  I am only permitted to work for CBS Sportsline, even though that is a clear Anti-Trust violation.  I realize that I am being violated by allowing this Anti-Trust violation, but I don’t care because I am an American Hero and a martyr.  Captain America is back, and he’s black. 

 CBS has indicated that it is in the best interests of CBS Sportsline that I, American Hero Mike Freeman, fire my lawyer and work for free for the remainder of my years in this life. If Buddha was correct and I am reincarnated, I will also work for free for the remainder of my first reincarnation.  When If another reincarnation occurs, I will agree to work for another 50 years for free, after which time I will become a free man.   The reincarnation provisions are void if I return as an eggplant, a hibiscus or a snail.  They will also void if I ever get a college degree which I do not currently possess and which, according to The New York Times and CBS, is not a requirement for a sports journalist.

           Freeman signed the contract but went AWOL when he found out that when Dick the Butcher, a character in Shakespeare’s Henry VI, said “Kill all the lawyers” it was Shakespeare’s expression of the importance of lawyers.  It’s a little legal device called irony that obviously flew like a falcon over American Hero Mike Freeman's head.