"It's raining men. Hallelujah."

The Matriculator Obtains an Advance Copy of Judge Nelson’s Order (and Aqua Velva Will Not Be Advertising on the NFLN Next Year)

          The Patriots’ “scouting department” broke into the Federal Courthouse in Minneapolis and stole a copy of Judge Susan Richard “Dick” Nelson’s Order. The women’s liberation movement has certainly reached its zenith, with a woman deciding the fate of American Man-kind.  She has every NFL Sunday Ticket subscriber’s yarbles in her hands.  And she’s getting ready to put the squeeze on.  Lorena Bobbitt was like amateur hour compared to what’s comin’.  Ol’ Dick Nelson has bent over and wants us to kiss her butt.  She has already applied for a name change to Dick Butkiss.  The Fantasy Matriculator has the exclusive on the biggest story since the Cleopatra Porn Tape leaked in 1764 B.C..

            In the Federal Court of the 3rd District of Minnesota

Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Von Miller, et. al.


Two Bird Adams, Roger Gotohell, SenAl Davis, et. al.


            Having considered the arguments of the biggest group of male chauvinist pigs ever assembled, where a bunch of roided up, jewelry laden Neanderthals sat on one side and a bunch of elitist, whiskey drinking snobs sat on the other, I hereby rule the following:

            Let me start out by saying that I took note that both sides chose a man to argue this case about a bunch of men, showing once again that they feel woman are incapable of handling big cases.  They obviously didn’t get the feminist manifesto.  Big mistake little boys.  Guess who decides the fate of every Coors drinking, Viagra using Bubba in the American fifty one?  Susie Q.  You used to like the way I walked.  You used to like the way I talked.  Susie’s fixin’ to be a banshee.  Now it’s just me and you and I'm a girl named Sue.  So here’s what we’re gonna do.

            All male personnel working in any capacity for any NFL team are fired.  That includes owners, coaches, and that Roger Goodell guy.  I guess I gave him a good Rogering, huh?  Let me high five my girl for that one.  Oprah will take over as commissioner.  The owners’ little concubines who are currently listed as “assistant secretaries”  and “key grips” can go work the street corner.  I got a woman, wanna ball all day, hey, hey.  Belichick’s “secretary” will have to put on the red light and go shopping near the blue light.  You’re going to have to wear that dress tonight honey child. Belicheat’s former wife will be the new Patriots owner.  She will have a stipend of $2,500,000 to hire her personal assistant who we hope looks like Brad Pitt.  I expect to be a regular in the owner’s box if you know what I’m saying boys.  Jessica Simpson is hereby appointed the new owner of the Dallas Cowboys.  It looks like there may be a quarterback competition in Dallas after all.  Gloria Estefan will take over the former Miami Dolphins.  They will be re-named The Miami Sound Machine of course.  Players will be heavily scouted so that they all look like Javier Bardem.  Football talent and clothing will be optional in Miami, which isn’t much of a change anyway.

            There will be new uniforms for the players.  They will wear skirts, high heels and tight tops, all designed by Versace.  Forget about helmets and shoulder pads.  You guys are supposed to be tough.  There's no cryin' in football! Remember all those, “Men, men, men” chants you used to do?  No more. They are prohibited.  The only phrases men are allowed to utter in an NFL Stadium are, “You look lovely today”, “Is there anything I can do for you?” and “Yes, ma’am.” 

            “The Tube Snake Boogie” will never be played at an NFL stadium again.  “I Am Woman” and “Maneater” must be played at least once a game.  Former NFL owners will be permitted to attend one game per year, but only if they have done the dishes, vacuumed, prepared meals for the following week, given their wife a foot massage, worked sixty hours for slightly above minimum wage at a place where a woman makes $100,000 to entertain clients at male strip clubs, washed the clothes, scrubbed the toilets and combed their hair so that they appear presentable when their wife comes home from a tough day on the golf course.  In order to gain access to their allotted game, men will be required to present a “Field Trip Permission Form” signed by their wife in addition to their ticket.  Oh, and with regard to the issues raised in this lawsuit, the players and owners no longer need to quibble over a billion here and a billion there.  The women get it all.  Consider this the Great American Divorce you sap sucking, farting, bunch of hound dogs.  And don’t you dare try to violate this Order.  Big Sister is watching.


                                                   Judge Susan Dick Nelson


            Yes, Ma'am.